Surrender

I was recently asked how I would feel about surrendering to a situation, versus continuing to beat my head against a metaphorical brick wall. Giving up, instead of continuing a chase of a situation that is unlikely to resolve itself any time soon. In that moment, I was a little scared of what happens if I walk away completely instead of continuing. Anytime you walk away you risk losing something, but you have to take some time to think about what you might gain as well.

The situation is personal, but it’s been affecting my mental health for quite some time. I have an anxiety that this situation feeds, and that anxiety is getting fat. I need to put it on a diet, a lifestyle change, as it were. So I went for some assistance. A little therapy. Recent attempts at bettering the thing, well I would say they more failed than succeeded. It’s tough when you think doing a certain thing will help, maybe even encourage a change, and it just big old fat doesn’t help. So I went outside of the system, and asked for help, for me, not the situation. It’s a big step for a stubborn person. And in this instance, I have been stubborn.

I am being intentionally vague, about what the Thing is, as a lot of people who know me well will just know. I have held this for getting close to 20 years. It involves things I cannot control, which is frustrating, and people I love, whom I would help out in any way in a heartbeat.

I met with a therapist for the first time about 2 months ago, in the middle of my other little experiment. I am not a huge fan of opening up the buried treasure chest and letting all of the contents spill out, but some of them have to get aired out, because something is festering underneath all of it. Being vulnerable is tough, and it can help so much if you can do it, but it is S-C-A-R-Y. I unraveled a little of it all for this person, and she listened without judging, and that is amazing, not scary. So a little more got dragged out. I have to try to understand the me part of it, not the outside stuff. She got me there, a little bit. I carried all of this stuff alone for a while, then some other people noticed the giant backpack I had on, and they all started carrying it too, but it didn’t take it off me at all, we just all carry the same crap, multiplied. All of us helpless, because we can’t access the people who filled the packs.

I don’t go back to the therapist for a couple more weeks. But what she asked me the last time I was there, was what if I surrendered it? What if I just take the backpack off, make a note of where I leave it, but just walk around without it for a while. Nothing inside is going to go bad, it will be there. Nobody else needs to pick it up, empty it out, I just don’t have to wear it around to weigh me down anymore. My thought was, but that’s my stuff? I have been packing that pack for a while, and it’s mine, and I just know what’s in there needs me to stand guard, needs me to be the one to keep it in circulation. But in the next thought, it sounded just amazing to not carry it anymore. I don’t have to wear it, but I know where it is. And if I need to talk about it, I can talk to the other people who are carrying theirs yet, but I can’t ask them if I can help them carry theirs too. My pack stays in the spot I left it. I will always know where it is, and if what’s inside gets out, and needs my help to find a new duffel bag or something, then I can worry about it.

I am thinking about it, because I think I kind of have to do it. I mean, I know where things are, because they have been for almost 20 years. Nothing has moved, not in a long time. If I need to have access, well I probably can get a limited audience, as that is all it’s been for years anyway. I just have to change my mindset of how much I let it bother me. It will always bother me, but I have done what I can, which maybe it isn’t enough, but it is what I could do in the moment. It just might do me some good to move away from it all, at least for a while. It’s not easy, but when I get to that appointment next month, I think I will be ready to have a plan. I have been wrapping my head around it for a minute now, and I feel better thinking about it. It’s time.

I have encouraged people for years to get help if they need it. Whether it’s therapy, treatment, or just walking up to a good friend and saying “I need help” find a way to get there. I am happy I am finally taking my own advice. Who knows where all of this leads, but because I couldn’t get out of that neighborhood on my own anyway, I had to ask for some directions. This therapist showed me that there are busses, trains and paths that lead away, but they can always bring me back too, routes run both ways. Go get that help if you need it, there are resources available online, there are phone numbers you can call or text. Heck, I found my help through my employer, check there too if they offer it. I won’t say I am a “whole new me” just yet, but it is good to get a perspective outside of the normal people who hear your things all the time. Take a step, forward, if you need it. Standing still in the same spot means you will only see the exact same things, nothing new will just stop in front of you in the exact perfect spot.