The Deep Water

I can’t say that I have successfully dated anyone, ever. It’s been a struggle of my life. I am ok single, I have learned, and I see how there are many people who can’t be single. They just have to be paired with someone. They have their own things to deal with, and that is good for them to have someone with them. I watch a lot, observe, and kind of think most days I am better off.

Nobody really just breezes into and out of relationships with ease. They are tough, and while some people do a better job at navigating it, there are sacrifices, understandings, and things that have to fit in order for it to work. Take the physical chemistry out of the equation, and there is a lot to sort through. But I just don’t get how some people just give up on themselves just to have someone in their life. Lots of people do. They just abandon their identity to be with someone who would ask them to do exactly that.

I think that is a sad, and catastrophic thing to allow it to happen to yourself. How did that person find you attractive enough, inside and out, to want to be with you, only to ask you to change your whole self once they got you? It has to be a predator thing. That is the only thing I can fathom, catch the object, and break it down, and make it your play thing. It’s sick, and it has happened to people I know and love.

Of course you have to be vulnerable to have that happen. Right? Well, being vulnerable in a relationship is not all bad, you have to open up to have someone truly see who you are, to open your heart to let love in. It’s what that other person does when you do that, that is the difference. Once you open up, do they use the things they learned about you to love you more, or do they use them against you, as weaknesses to get what they want. What does that do to a person, when it’s the latter, after an extended period of time? I have seen people with strong personalities, people you thought had a strong sense of self and self confidence get completely destroyed by someone with less than ideal morals and personality. They just go into a survival mode, and merely exist as a shell of the person they once were. They tip toe through life, just trying to keep their abuser from making things worse. It is heartbreaking to watch it happen to someone, and know that it has gone on so long now, that there may not be a way to throw them the lifeline.

I have watched it happen, kind of from a front row seat. It’s what scares me about dating, plus that I am just bad at it. I think that being a little more mature now might make my attempts at it better, but that’s another story for another day. But for the person we lost into the pit of despair, I just don’t know how to help or if I even could. It’s what I believe they call Stockholm Syndrome, to an extent. The prisoner fell in love with their captor, and can’t imagine life without them. There’s an avoidance that is happening now, avoiding the people that see the situation for what it is, and then attempts at hurting them as well. Dragging up crap from the past, for no reason other than to distract from the real problem and that by hurting that person, they will abandon the post. Push people away, then they can’t help you, and the warden will stay quiet.

I had some conversations last week with the “rescue team” and unfortunately, there is not an immediate plan. It’s hard to see how this situation affects the other people who want to be involved, to help, knowing they can’t. Worry becomes the word of action, and worrying never solves a thing. When nobody knows how to deal with a situation, nothing can be done. To offer help may make the situation worse. A caged animal will snarl and fight and try to attack, and stay in the cage if they hurt the person trying to help them out enough that they just give up.

I started writing this today to say something else I think. I don’t often have much more than a random thought when I sit down at the keyboard. But this turned into a therapy session for myself, I think, because this situation has been ongoing, but came to a bit of a confusing head in the past few weeks. It’s becoming more clear, at the surface, but the waters are deep and murky when you start swimming out a bit. I am not the only person I know who had a complicated life situation to try to carefully navigate. I know a lot of people with some messed up things, for real. I watch and listen, a lot, and I have learned just how damaged some people are, including myself. It makes you think for sure, that a small misstep here, or a fortunate turn of events can either wreck of fix someone’s life, and there is no way to know except to keep living life.

I am not quite ready to give up, just yet, or walk away, but it is becoming more difficult to see a peaceful resolution. I am afraid we are getting set up for a big loss, sooner than later. I may just try to open up that cage one more time, and bring a treat or peace offering, but the one that is caged may just try to hurt me too, that is a risk, I know. But what’s one more scar?