Birds and Stuff

Another sad anniversary falls this weekend for me, two years since my Papi left this earth. But it’s like this, he is gone, but only physically. I think he is still around, in the annoying way I always knew he would haunt me. Not all ghosts are bad, you know.

I don’t know how spiritual people are. I don’t mean religious, that is something different. But like, spirits. Do you believe in them? Again, that’s not really a ghost thing. But the spirit of a person is from their soul, and it isn’t something you can see, but rather you feel it from them. I think people give off vibrations, the vibe. Some people have a very strong vibe, you get it right from the start, you feel something about them. Some don’t register the ticker at all, and those aren’t your people, that’s ok, not everyone gets into your circle of life. The people you get it from stick with you, even if you only meet them once or twice, they leave an impression on your soul.

Papi left a huge impression on my soul. I could insert several comments on his size here, but that would really just be for a couple of us in his circle to laugh about, so I am gonna leave that one for the moment. From when I first met him, 20 some years ago, his vibration rattled my existence right away. There was that connection, and you know that one, when your souls know each other from something else, another time. Although our backgrounds were very different, our souls knew each other immediately, and we were friends, just like that. He came in and out of my life several times, he always operated on some different level that made him move around a bit. We never lost touch with each other, there are hundreds of middle of the night texts and phone calls out there in the universe that kept us connected. He was a phone terrorist. I would give anything for an obnoxious 2am text telling me I suck. His family brought him back to the area for the last 10-15 years of his life, and me and my soul were happy to have him back. Friendship resumed, and we became co-workers again.

Birds. The legends say when you see a cardinal, that is someone you lost coming to visit you. I love that because there are lots of cardinals in my neighborhood I see regularly, and if that is people I know, then I am well loved and cared for. It’s comforting, truly. But I think Papi was a little bigger than a cardinal. His personality was big, his appetites were huge, and he was a force to contend with, a legend in his own mind. Well, in mine too, but I was drunk a lot with him, so my diminished brain cells were compromised.

Hawks. I have been seeing hawks all over the place. I see them in my neighborhood. I see them out where I work, and out near the mall area where my gym is. At first I was like, cool! A hawk! It was once in a great while. Recently, I have had them swoop relatively near me, and while that can freak me out, it is cool. I try to be an enlightened person, so I looked up the meaning, and there are many explanations. Things like I am being called to see things from a higher perspective, like how a hawk does, and to be called to a bigger meaning in life. It has occurred to me that while that would be cool, it’s probably just Papi keeping an eye on me. He would come back to me as a hawk. He would want to come across as menacing and strong, yet cool as hell. Well done, Papi. I figured you would come back to me more as a turkey.

I miss my friend. Very much, every day. So many things in my life came to me as a result of my friendship with him, and his soul and spirit linger near me. I know his family misses him tremendously, as well as some of his other friends, who were all family to him. He was big like that, a glue that held people together. I cannot believe it has been two years since those awful days when he slipped away from us. I was in a true stupor for that weekend, it was the weekend of Thanksgiving, and that moment his mom got the call at the restaurant I was with her to hold her as she sobbed, and I felt a strong hit to my soul, my heart, and I knew things just were not going to be the same, ever. It’s the same gaping hole that losing an immediate family member leaves, because he was my family in a very real way. It still hurts. I think it always will.

Pay attention to what happens around you, especially if you are missing someone. The universe has many ways to let you know that person, although gone physically, is very near you in a way you may not realize. I keep Papi in my heart at all times, but it makes me feel good to know that every big hawk I see just might be my friend coming by to say hi, and that I suck and I am done. I raise my glass to you, Papi, salud, forever my friend. You suck.

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