I was recently asked how I would feel about surrendering to a situation, versus continuing to beat my head against a metaphorical brick wall. Giving up, instead of continuing a chase of a situation that is unlikely to resolve itself any time soon. In that moment, I was a little scared of what happens if I walk away completely instead of continuing. Anytime you walk away you risk losing something, but you have to take some time to think about what you might gain as well.

The situation is personal, but it’s been affecting my mental health for quite some time. I have an anxiety that this situation feeds, and that anxiety is getting fat. I need to put it on a diet, a lifestyle change, as it were. So I went for some assistance. A little therapy. Recent attempts at bettering the thing, well I would say they more failed than succeeded. It’s tough when you think doing a certain thing will help, maybe even encourage a change, and it just big old fat doesn’t help. So I went outside of the system, and asked for help, for me, not the situation. It’s a big step for a stubborn person. And in this instance, I have been stubborn.

I am being intentionally vague, about what the Thing is, as a lot of people who know me well will just know. I have held this for getting close to 20 years. It involves things I cannot control, which is frustrating, and people I love, whom I would help out in any way in a heartbeat.

I met with a therapist for the first time about 2 months ago, in the middle of my other little experiment. I am not a huge fan of opening up the buried treasure chest and letting all of the contents spill out, but some of them have to get aired out, because something is festering underneath all of it. Being vulnerable is tough, and it can help so much if you can do it, but it is S-C-A-R-Y. I unraveled a little of it all for this person, and she listened without judging, and that is amazing, not scary. So a little more got dragged out. I have to try to understand the me part of it, not the outside stuff. She got me there, a little bit. I carried all of this stuff alone for a while, then some other people noticed the giant backpack I had on, and they all started carrying it too, but it didn’t take it off me at all, we just all carry the same crap, multiplied. All of us helpless, because we can’t access the people who filled the packs.

I don’t go back to the therapist for a couple more weeks. But what she asked me the last time I was there, was what if I surrendered it? What if I just take the backpack off, make a note of where I leave it, but just walk around without it for a while. Nothing inside is going to go bad, it will be there. Nobody else needs to pick it up, empty it out, I just don’t have to wear it around to weigh me down anymore. My thought was, but that’s my stuff? I have been packing that pack for a while, and it’s mine, and I just know what’s in there needs me to stand guard, needs me to be the one to keep it in circulation. But in the next thought, it sounded just amazing to not carry it anymore. I don’t have to wear it, but I know where it is. And if I need to talk about it, I can talk to the other people who are carrying theirs yet, but I can’t ask them if I can help them carry theirs too. My pack stays in the spot I left it. I will always know where it is, and if what’s inside gets out, and needs my help to find a new duffel bag or something, then I can worry about it.

I am thinking about it, because I think I kind of have to do it. I mean, I know where things are, because they have been for almost 20 years. Nothing has moved, not in a long time. If I need to have access, well I probably can get a limited audience, as that is all it’s been for years anyway. I just have to change my mindset of how much I let it bother me. It will always bother me, but I have done what I can, which maybe it isn’t enough, but it is what I could do in the moment. It just might do me some good to move away from it all, at least for a while. It’s not easy, but when I get to that appointment next month, I think I will be ready to have a plan. I have been wrapping my head around it for a minute now, and I feel better thinking about it. It’s time.

I have encouraged people for years to get help if they need it. Whether it’s therapy, treatment, or just walking up to a good friend and saying “I need help” find a way to get there. I am happy I am finally taking my own advice. Who knows where all of this leads, but because I couldn’t get out of that neighborhood on my own anyway, I had to ask for some directions. This therapist showed me that there are busses, trains and paths that lead away, but they can always bring me back too, routes run both ways. Go get that help if you need it, there are resources available online, there are phone numbers you can call or text. Heck, I found my help through my employer, check there too if they offer it. I won’t say I am a “whole new me” just yet, but it is good to get a perspective outside of the normal people who hear your things all the time. Take a step, forward, if you need it. Standing still in the same spot means you will only see the exact same things, nothing new will just stop in front of you in the exact perfect spot.

It’s time change weekend. Daylight savings comes to an end, and it’s dark by about noon now or something. But I feel good because I got up at 7am this morning, or did I? This is probably one of the things people consistently bitch about in the most in the cycle of a year. I know, what sense does it make to take an hour here, and put it over there? But we do, and this is one of the two weekends in a calendar year we shuffle the clock. I am just happy my kitchen clock is right again now for a few months.

These time change weekends used to be a lot more rough for me, when I was bartending. You either get an extra hour of bar time, which nobody needs, or you lose an hour of bar time, which no bartender likes enforcing. You get called some colorful names, and you basically lose an hour of income because people who are drunker can be known to tip more. Take an hour of boozing away, and they get cheap real quick. For all the things I do miss about tending bar, this weekend is not one of them.

It’s different now too, since I don’t work weekends. I can just lollygag my way through the weekend, relatively oblivious to the change until it’s all of a sudden dark and I didn’t get the yard work done. It was always kind of fun, before cell phones and devices changed automatically, to see who would get to work an hour early or an hour late, depending on the time of year. Time change weekend could always screw up even the most punctual of people. Plus the flow of people was different too. The rush would never come when you expect it, because people are screwed up for a few days. People tend to follow the sun. It’s still light out, it’s not time to eat dinner yet. I think the early darkness made for good, early dinner rushes, then people go home, and you can get home at a decent hour after shift.

For the next couple of months, it will be dark when I leave work now, at 5pm. I go in at 8am so there is usually some daylight except for those couple of days right around December 21st, when we start getting daylight back a little each day. That’s the target day, make it to that and you can survive this. I really feel for our field workers, the guys who actually make us our paychecks. They come in when it’s dark, and don’t usually get back to the shop until it is dark. Sure, they are out during daylight, but that’s not like enjoying a sunny day. As you count your blessings this month of gratitude, thank the greater beings you speak to for the people that work those kinds of jobs, that have them leaving home in the dark and getting home when it is dark. There are a lot of them, and they are working hard for all of us.

I guess the powers that be are going to end the Daylight Savings thing, one way or another. I don’t know what the best idea is, or if it is truly as disruptive as some people would have you believe. It’s a day or two to adjust for me, in my many years it never rocked my boat that badly. I can’t ever figure which way they are making the adjustment, if we go back to daylight savings in spring and stay there, or if we will keep rolling standard time. Whatever, my phone will let me know when it does or doesn’t change. I am just going to miss the Cher meme about turning back time. It all has just happened every year, and I deal with it.

Whether we are saving daylight, or wallowing in darkness, we are all given the gift of each day of our lives. Like sands through the hourglass, you know? I would like it better if we could figure out a way to defer snow for a season. But we live like we do, and we shuffle our clocks based on where we live, and we gleefully travel between time zones and adjust for a few days. So changing time two times a year never bothered me too much. Just appreciate the time you have, and if the time change is such a problem, put your phone down for an extra hour each day, and live that hour. We have 24 each day, no matter how light or dark it is. Live them.

I went to the movies with BFF Amy last night. We went and saw The Killers of the Flower Moon. It was a dark movie, long, but very good. Three hours long, and when we got out, and went our separate ways, I got home and looked at my phone. First thing I see on the old Facebook is a shared news report saying Matthew Perry was found in his Jacuzzi, dead from an apparent drowning. It made me audibly gasp.

It’s been a bad week, not just for me, but for nearly everyone I know had something bad, awful or just sad happen. The list is long, but a couple of the low spots were my sister-in-law Heidi’s dad lost his cancer battle, as did the guy that started and ran a Brewers Fan page on Facebook that I follow. My Zelda was sick on Wednesday, to the point I was scared for her, and neither of us slept that night. (She thankfully is better now, but I don’t need that scare again!) People I know had losses, car accidents, illnesses and more. It truly felt like the universe was just piling on all of us.

Going to the movies with my best friend was just the thing to make a long, tough week start the calm down after hell week. A great little way to escape. I knew that movie wasn’t a pick me up, having read reviews of the book and movie. But a giant bucket of fake buttered popcorn can get you through anything. And we did have a good time, I think we both liked the movie, and I know we like the milkshakes we had before the movie, and the above mentioned popcorn. I left that theater and was feeling good.

Celebrity deaths hit you for a minute, and you move on. I know when Betty White died I took that hard. Same with Tom Petty, I am still not over that one. But seeing that Matthew Perry died, well that was a cold slap. I have watched every “Friends” episode more times than I can count. I know Matthew Perry isn’t Chandler, except he is. Then he had his book come out, detailing his struggles with addiction, and all the problems that brought into his life. It made him so human, so relatable. People fight so hard for their recovery, and he did as well. They haven’t said what happened, and I am not going to speculate that he relapsed, that isn’t fair without facts. Years of the abuse his addictions may have caused could be a part of it. Addictions are incredibly hard on your heart, and other body functions, and can shorten a lifespan. Regardless, his death hurts.

I was in my 20s when “Friends” came on the air. Roughly the same age as the characters. So their struggles in finances, romance, and friendships were so relatable. I felt like I could drop seamlessly into an episode, and be the 7th friend. When the series ended, I was adrift for a while, not finding anything else on TV that felt like it was mine. I know it’s weird, but that is what good shows do, they include you into their existence. It’s an escape, for a half hour at a time. Who watched “Friends” and didn’t feel an affinity for Chandler? He was sarcastic, funny, awkward, terrible at relationships. He was a male version of me, to an extent.

It hurts too, because he was only 54 years old. I will be 54 in a smidge over a month from now. That hits a little different as you go through life too. When famous people who you watched for years pass, and they are the same age you are, it reminds you of your own mortality. We will all physically leave this world, at some point. 54 is young, and especially since he struggled through so many of those 54 years with his demons. Rest in Peace, Matthew Perry, you deserve peace now, more than anything.

To pick a favorite Chandler moment is probably impossible. But if I had to choose, one of my favorites is when the other friends figured out about Chandler and Monica, and Phoebe seduces him to make them admit their relationship. When they are on their “date” and she walks in with her shirt open, showing her bra. His reactions and how he finally freaks out and admits his love for Monica, well, that’s just excellent. That’s just one of many, many funny moments. It’s just too hard to choose because he was so brilliant at being Chandler, and we will always have that. “Friends” reruns will run forever. It’s his legacy, and you can always visit your friends.

It’s been a tough week. Not an impossible week, but with a lot going on in the world, it felt very heavy all week. Plus there are all the things that happen when you have to spend your life as an adult. My life usually isn’t traumatic, and it wasn’t truly that bad compared to things happening on the other side of the world, but I didn’t feel much like I won the week.

My allergies were beyond awful this past week. As I have gotten older, my fall allergies are kicking the crap out of me. It used to be spring, but things have shifted. I was wheezing, coughing and just all around miserable. I made it, living life with my friends Mucinex, Claritin and Flonase. But I sounded like I was smoking non-filter cigs and chasing them with Wild Turkey. Which is unfair, as I am roaming through Sober October, so no Kickin’ Chicken for me. But it took the wind out of my sails all week. Low energy and low output. I made it through my workouts, but I wasn’t loving it like normal. I am feeling better this weekend, but it was a dumb way to spend my week.

My sports teams are hurting me. Now, this is truly insignificant and I know that. But the Brewers just limped right out of the playoffs, at home, and didn’t even look remotely like they belonged there. I posted something to the effect of being in a long term abusive relationship with them. I do love them, but they have just underwhelmed me throughout our time together. They know I will never leave them, so they just keep up their shenanigans. I am taking a break from them until Spring Training.

I told myself as the Packers season was starting that I will not be upset this season while they go through their growing pains and adjust to a new starting QB. I may have lied. I am trying to be patient, but they are just making me sad. I reason with myself, that we have had it so good for 30 years, and teams hit rough patches. I know we will be ok, but it is just tough. They played Monday night, and it was just so awful. I stayed up past my bedtime while not feeling great, and they just stepped on my heart. I will be ok, it’s the bye week, so I have time to adjust. But I know my friends are worried about me, so I just want them to know, I am still all GO PACK GO. I promise.

Now, there are things that really do matter, that have been weighing on my mind. I have been watching some of the coverage out of Israel, and that is tough to take in. What happens there affects us here, as we are a human race sharing a planet. I do not understand how people can do these things to each other, it is something I have never been able to grasp. In my nearly 54 years, war is something I can’t wrap my head around. The atrocities, the massacre, and the disregard of the human life is just awful. Please know that I have said so many prayers for all of it, and it is something I am trying to understand. We should treat each other better on this planet. Whatever your faith is, I respect your right to have that, I do not have to believe the same things you do to respect you as a human being.

To round out a heavy week, I learned this morning that a high school classmate passed away yesterday. She has been fighting for a long time. We were not close, but I knew of her struggles the past few years, and I am sad that she had to endure so much for so long. She can rest now, and her family and friends who looked after her and each other can have some peace as well, I truly and sincerely hope.

There are a lot of people that are given more than they should have to handle in life. I have had times when that happened, but this past week was not one of them. It was just a little tough. I try to be optimistic, be a source of happiness for myself and others. This week was a bump, not a real struggle. I know that, and I am thankful for the tougher week, it makes me appreciate the good weeks and days so much more. I am a lucky soul, and I know that. It’s easy to slip into the “why me” attitude, but it is truly tough to get out of it once you live there for a while. I choose not to do that, if I can help it. My days are mine to live, and I hope I am making the best of them as I go along. When a tough one comes along, get through it and keep a good attitude.

Sending out good vibes and prayers to those that need them. I hope you all do the same, and live with love in your heart.

Fall apparently started in the wee hours of the morning today, at like 1:50am. It didn’t automatically become Fall Weather, however, as I am quite sure I had a hot flash around that time so grabbing the closest hoodie was the last thing I was going to do. That is the fun of aging as a woman, apparently. Another thing for another time.

All the Pumpkin Spice people have been Pumpkin Spicing for weeks already. I am not one of them, I tried the PSL one time, and felt I had been lied to by clever marketing. It was not delicious or even remotely pumpkin flavored. The whipped cream they served on it was the only redeeming quality it had, and it wasn’t even good whipped cream. Lessons learned, for real.

All the haste to get to the next season has begun to wear me down over the years. I just want to tell the people to relax, and slow down a little bit. It’s not just fall or the holiday season, as those are the ones people want to rush the most, but the whole year. Stop wishing away where you are right now, in this minute. Believe me, time will move fast enough without you pushing for the Hallmark channel to move to the Christmas movies they never really move away from!

I am two and a half months away from my 54th birthday. That’s coming in fast. I don’t feel so old or anything, but the number baffles me. How did that happen so quickly? I was just in my 30s. Except I wasn’t. It’s 20 plus years ago already. It goes so fast, the time. You spend a long time wishing you could get to the age you are old enough to do things. Then you get there and wonder where the time went?

Your time you have now is far more important than the day in 3 weeks that you will finally wear that hooded sweatshirt and the leaves start falling from the trees. Don’t wish away today waiting for the Christmas sales to start. You can live for today and those seasons will still come along. Something that seems so far away will be here before you know it. I promise, it will happen much faster than you realize and be gone before you know you even know what happened. Pump the brakes, and enjoy today.

I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, go spend your day lined up at the pumpkin patch if that is what you want to do, but don’t wish away tomorrow to get to Christmas faster. The best thing I can do is tell you that the time you are pushing for will arrive, and it will be gone fast. You have time, but just like your weekends seem to go by in a blink, so do the years. When you look back and say “Coco was right, that time flew by” I hope you filled every crack of your time with fun things, boring things and everything in between. All days can be great days, or they can be a bummer, but it is your time to live. Little moments are often much better at filling your heart than big things, and if all you are doing is counting down to when the sun is at a certain point and crosses the hemisphere so you can line up at Starbucks for the PSL or whatever, you are missing a lot. For crying out loud, there were Flamingos in Wisconsin just yesterday, the last full day of summer!!

The seasons change, and come and go every year. They do so very quickly, and once you realize just how fast the time is moving, I hope you have a lot of time left, so you have a greater appreciation of all of it, not just this season, or that day. It is all such a gift. By the way, Margaritas are available and delicious all year long. Never out of season. Take that, Pumpkin Spice!!

I can’t say that I have successfully dated anyone, ever. It’s been a struggle of my life. I am ok single, I have learned, and I see how there are many people who can’t be single. They just have to be paired with someone. They have their own things to deal with, and that is good for them to have someone with them. I watch a lot, observe, and kind of think most days I am better off.

Nobody really just breezes into and out of relationships with ease. They are tough, and while some people do a better job at navigating it, there are sacrifices, understandings, and things that have to fit in order for it to work. Take the physical chemistry out of the equation, and there is a lot to sort through. But I just don’t get how some people just give up on themselves just to have someone in their life. Lots of people do. They just abandon their identity to be with someone who would ask them to do exactly that.

I think that is a sad, and catastrophic thing to allow it to happen to yourself. How did that person find you attractive enough, inside and out, to want to be with you, only to ask you to change your whole self once they got you? It has to be a predator thing. That is the only thing I can fathom, catch the object, and break it down, and make it your play thing. It’s sick, and it has happened to people I know and love.

Of course you have to be vulnerable to have that happen. Right? Well, being vulnerable in a relationship is not all bad, you have to open up to have someone truly see who you are, to open your heart to let love in. It’s what that other person does when you do that, that is the difference. Once you open up, do they use the things they learned about you to love you more, or do they use them against you, as weaknesses to get what they want. What does that do to a person, when it’s the latter, after an extended period of time? I have seen people with strong personalities, people you thought had a strong sense of self and self confidence get completely destroyed by someone with less than ideal morals and personality. They just go into a survival mode, and merely exist as a shell of the person they once were. They tip toe through life, just trying to keep their abuser from making things worse. It is heartbreaking to watch it happen to someone, and know that it has gone on so long now, that there may not be a way to throw them the lifeline.

I have watched it happen, kind of from a front row seat. It’s what scares me about dating, plus that I am just bad at it. I think that being a little more mature now might make my attempts at it better, but that’s another story for another day. But for the person we lost into the pit of despair, I just don’t know how to help or if I even could. It’s what I believe they call Stockholm Syndrome, to an extent. The prisoner fell in love with their captor, and can’t imagine life without them. There’s an avoidance that is happening now, avoiding the people that see the situation for what it is, and then attempts at hurting them as well. Dragging up crap from the past, for no reason other than to distract from the real problem and that by hurting that person, they will abandon the post. Push people away, then they can’t help you, and the warden will stay quiet.

I had some conversations last week with the “rescue team” and unfortunately, there is not an immediate plan. It’s hard to see how this situation affects the other people who want to be involved, to help, knowing they can’t. Worry becomes the word of action, and worrying never solves a thing. When nobody knows how to deal with a situation, nothing can be done. To offer help may make the situation worse. A caged animal will snarl and fight and try to attack, and stay in the cage if they hurt the person trying to help them out enough that they just give up.

I started writing this today to say something else I think. I don’t often have much more than a random thought when I sit down at the keyboard. But this turned into a therapy session for myself, I think, because this situation has been ongoing, but came to a bit of a confusing head in the past few weeks. It’s becoming more clear, at the surface, but the waters are deep and murky when you start swimming out a bit. I am not the only person I know who had a complicated life situation to try to carefully navigate. I know a lot of people with some messed up things, for real. I watch and listen, a lot, and I have learned just how damaged some people are, including myself. It makes you think for sure, that a small misstep here, or a fortunate turn of events can either wreck of fix someone’s life, and there is no way to know except to keep living life.

I am not quite ready to give up, just yet, or walk away, but it is becoming more difficult to see a peaceful resolution. I am afraid we are getting set up for a big loss, sooner than later. I may just try to open up that cage one more time, and bring a treat or peace offering, but the one that is caged may just try to hurt me too, that is a risk, I know. But what’s one more scar?

I love me a 3 day weekend! It’s joy that I didn’t get for years, without some serious plotting. Now I get them almost every time the rest of the working world does. It’s fantastic! I have a good one ahead of me too, as it is a Family Reunion Weekend. I have been looking forward to this, and I am sure a good time is going to happen.

I did wake up this morning, earlier than I wanted to because Zelda said so, she is the boss. It was sad to wake up and learn that Jimmy Buffet has died. I am not Parrot Head, but I liked his music. I just posted on the Facebook about it, and how my favorite song of his is “Come Monday.” That is a love song, for sure. It’s a more mature love song, a guy that had to work Labor Day Weekend, well, play at a music festival I guess. His love wanted to go do something else for the weekend, so he tells her to go, and he misses her. But they’ll see each other Monday, and all will be right again. It’s sweet, and I just love that song. It used to be on one of the Muzak tapes we had at TrimB’s. I heard it in the background a lot. I didn’t even know it was a Jimmy Buffet song for quite a few years. It didn’t speak of tequila, cheeseburgers or waterbeds, so how was I to know?

I remember lots of places I would hear his songs, bars mostly. So there are many good memories involved with his music. Those songs will forever be a part of the partying and beach type lifestyle. In fact in January, on our company trip, we are staying at the new Margaritaville Resort in Cancun. He has quite a legacy, so cheers, Jimmy. I will say I am happy I am not making margaritas for a living anymore, today would be a day that the middle aged, saw him at Alpine Valley once, and that show changed my life party girls would make me about crazy. Say your prayers for the bartenders and servers at all of the Mexican Restaurants today, they need our support.

I must start to prepare now for the weekend of merriment. I know we will have a great time, and share lots of stories and memories. And above all, Come Monday, it will be alright.

I am a big fan of summertime. I don’t always take advantage of all that summer offers, the way I would like to, but that’s because a girl’s gotta eat too, and working is the way to get that done. I believe that day is coming that I won’t be quite so encumbered by working for a living, but it’s not here yet. So I get the fun in where I can, and appreciate it when it happens.

June came and went already, quick I might add. It wasn’t a bad month, but I feel like it didn’t spend an ample amount of time here, and here we are on July 4th already. I have more going on in July this year, and I am looking forward to a class reunion, a pontoon ride and a few other things on the old calendar. Today is my niece’s birthday, and that means Redneck Fireworks and cake. Happy Birthday to Miss Natalie, her 19th. I went to the fireworks here in town with her and her boyfriend, Grady Guy, last night. We had a hoot of a time, being the best unsanctioned parking lot attendants you ever saw, and I may have just expanded their young minds by introducing them to MmmBop, by the one and only Hanson. We may have tried to use it as a way to punish parking lot offenders. If you think that is harsh, too bad, the driving skills displayed last night called for drastic measures. I love the fantastic young adults the kiddos have grown into, and I am thrilled they still like spending time with their old Coco, even if I did hook them on MmmBop.

This is the fun of summer, for me. Spending the time, feeling the warmth of the summer, enjoying the company and just living easy. Easier than winter, for damn sure. It will all be gone in a hot minute, I am sure, and the memories and feelings have to carry us through the darker seasons. I love fall too, but there’s just something about those summer nights, hot days, and the built in excuse to eat ice cream every single day, if you want to.

How will the rest of the summer play out? Music festivals, cookouts, a few beers, and hopefully some baseball games are out there for me yet, but I am not going to worry about it all too much. I am taking it as it comes this summer, and enjoying what I get to do instead of worrying about what I might be missing out on. I see a lot of people so desperate to jam in as many activities as possible that they don’t really enjoy them, but check off a list. Wearing yourself out to see everyone and everything is the opposite of what summer is supposed to be. Relax, enjoy and know that you are exactly where you need to be while you are there. The lazy days of summer, you know?

One more thing, if you get the opportunity, and like something somewhat educational, definitely beautiful, and peaceful, go see the Beyond Van Gogh exhibit/event. This summer it is at the Resch Expo in Green Bay, I think it goes into the beginning of August. We went to see it yesterday, and it was just so beautiful, so very cool, and I feel like I learned a little something while I was there too. It was calming and peaceful. I would highly recommend it!!

Enjoy your summer, do the things, but relax as much as you can as well. There are days to hurry, and days to be still and feel the warmth of the season give you a hug. Enjoy the flowers, the sunshine and the feelings of growth and the glow of the season. And when you need a little something you can’t quite put your finger on… Play MmmBop.