Yesterday I wrote of the Facebook groups, and how people can be when they are protected by the almighty faceless keyboard. Then, a few hours later the world learned of the death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter and seven others that were on the helicopter. The Twitter universe, Facebook and other social media powers were flooded with RIPs, memories, and tributes. And my Service Industry group didn’t disappoint when it came to crappy responses to how people responded.

One man wrote of his experience serving Bryant a few years back. He was delivering food to him and his table, and living the actual server nightmare, he dropped macaroni and cheese all over Kobe Bryant’s lap. He said that Bryant wasn’t too pleased, but it ended alright when it was said and done. He then relayed how a year later, when they Lakers were in town again, he again ended up as his server and Bryant remembered him, which was cool, and he did not drop anything on him this time. So I think it is totally normal that when someone famous dies, people relay stories of their experiences if they met that person. People in this group jumped all over this guy for posting the story. Saying it was inappropriate, and he should be saying condolences only. What? First, it is so unlikely that anyone on that helicopter had family on the Service Industry Bitch Group Page, so those condolences would not reach the intended people. Second, if this is how this person chose to cope with this tragedy, it is all good with me. People, sigh.

The next post came a few hours later. A bartender posted about a “grown ass man” with his head down, crying over Bryant’s death. He truly mocked this person. This time others jumped all over this guy for being an ass about the situation, including me. I said that while it may seem silly to him, this is how this man felt about Kobe Bryant, for whatever reason. Don’t diminish that guy’s feelings just because you don’t “get it.”

I am not an NBA person, I don’t follow basketball much. I have a lot of friends and family that do, however. One friend is a huge Lakers fan. He is taking this hard. He was the first person I thought of when we heard the news yesterday. Did he ever meet Kobe Bryant? No, I don’t believe so, but he followed him for his whole NBA career. He felt invested in this man. Who am I to discount what he is feeling after this? So I made a comment on one of his posts yesterday, basically trying to comfort him. It cost me nothing to do that, and if it made him feel better for even a second, it was a good thing.

Good news, bad news, it hits all of us differently. When it comes to famous people, we feel like we know them, even though we don’t. They are a part of your story if you admired them, no matter if you ever meet them in real life. So while some will really feel the pain of this, and some will post jokes and memes, it is all a part of a process and nobody has the right to mock how you are personally feeling about it. Feel your feelings, and when you are ready, move forward. The life we get is short, you get to live it and feel it however you see fit.

I am in a lot of groups on Facebook. I am not really even sure how I got added into some of them. A lot of them were started and nothing ever happens in them. Some thrive and have many members. And there is a lot of entertainment value in them if you sit back and watch.

My favorite group I am a part of is the Diehard Milwaukee Brewers Fan page. It is really well run, and there are posts every day by the admin, he lists everyone’s birthday when it comes up, picks an MVP from the group each day- which I am lucky enough to have been MVP 2 times. There are a lot of good posts, a few dumb ones, manager wannabes, and casual fans and some fun and goofy stuff. Occasionally people go after each other, but the admins will jump in and cut it off. With spring training starting soon, the activity is really picking up and it is fun to read each day, getting us all amped up for the season.

The Service Industry group I am in is like an accident scene. I don’t really want to see a lot of it, but I can’t help myself from reading posts every day. The group has a ton of people from Colorado, particularly the Denver area, but a good sprinkling of people from around the country too. What I get from this group is that you couldn’t pay me enough to work in Colorado. They have some pretty serious laws regarding drinking, and they have to with the legal weed. But also, the people in this group are a bunch of elitist bartenders. Like they know everything about every drink and are the best ever at bartending and serving and are above reproach. Comments on the posts are the best, because people are ready to throw down at all times! They bash things that are so mundane about the job, and think they are the only ones who have ever encountered any little thing. Many have some serious substance abuse issues which makes reading their stuff even more entertaining. I don’t know who the admins are for this group, because just about everything gets posted and nothing ever gets removed or filtered. I am an old lady in this group, as many are people in their 20s or early to mid 30s. I love when people start fights in this group because it is always over ridiculous things, or complaining about tips. The whole thing is just silly, and as often as I think about leaving that group I know I never could because it makes my work days seem easy compared to what they deal with.

The group with the most issues is the Fox Valley Restaurant Review group. People from the area I live, reviewing local restaurants. Seems pretty straightforward, right? It is a helpful group sometimes. But there are only a handful of places that ever seem to get reviewed, the darlings of the group. And people get crazy. I reviewed a place the other day, and yes it is a place that gets reviewed often. But I had a great experience and wanted to share it. So I did, and posted a picture. I got a lot of good comments, and then 2 people started… One lady comments “That doesn’t look good to me!” Which is fine, I get that not everyone likes everything. But then another lady pipes up and tells her she is being rude. For 3 days these ladies have been going back and forth bashing each other. I finally stepped in and basically told the one lady it is possible to see a review and not comment, that she is seeking attention and got it, but not the kind she was looking for. I am anxiously awaiting her reply to that. The other mini-brawl on this post came from an older gentleman who started complaining that I didn’t list an address, and that is it so hard to do that? I replied that I had tagged the restaurant, and after that he complained that why should he have to do the research for places reviewed. People jumped all over him, explaining how Google works, etc. I went back in, listed the address, phone number and hours for the place. The admin even jumped in and said that all he had to do was click on the name of the restaurant I tagged, and all that info would pop up. Nope, all out brawl. Strangely, nobody pulled the “OK Boomer” card on him yet, but again, I await that response All of this because I liked my steak and drinks at a restaurant. How bored are people, or how triggered are they?

The Internet is a fantastic tool, and Facebook can be too, if you have people with common interests. The groups have a lot to offer, sometimes. But it isn’t a place for the thin-skinned, for sure. People get awfully bold from behind a keyboard. So if you get into a group on Facebook, sit back at first before you engage a lot, it may not be what you think it is. Or just sit back and watch the fights, because they will happen. If you choose to engage, prepare to defend your position, because they guy that likes the well-done steak is going to take you to task for ordering yours medium rare. And he knows how to wield that steak knife at your profile picture!!!

Metamorphosis is a lovely word, really. “A change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one by natural or supernatural means,” I mean truly, how wonderful is that? I remember as a kid learning the meaning of that as it pertained to caterpillars into butterflies. But we go through it as people too, we change as we move through life. Ready for some serious inspiration? Go somewhere else, this is going to be something else.

I love those Progressive Insurance commercials that show people turning into their parents because they bought a house or something. The support group, where they talk about heating the outdoors, not wearing the free hat, etc. Cracks me up! Because we all dealt with those things with our parents. It’s a part of the thing, they were probably horrified at some point it happened to them, and now it’s happening to us. I turn off lights that I turned on, I don’t have kids to blame it on.

A friend posted on Facebook this morning, a picture of some bacon he got a great deal on. It was discounted because it was a “Use of Freeze by Tomorrow” thing. I thought about how not too long ago I was horrified by the cheap, about to expire meat bin at the grocery store. Then one day, I looked and found a ribeye steak, a nice sized one, for less than $5. Guess where I start now when I am grocery shopping for meat? Yep, Ed would be proud.

I have 5 siblings, and then when Ed and Dar married there were a lot more people around the house all the time. Chaos at times, but fun in its own way. But buying groceries for that brood was expensive. Dad wasn’t quite a generic label buyer, but close, he bought store brand stuff. If he had been around when Walmart came, he would have been a Great Value guy, for sure. We longed for name brand cereals, what we got was IGA. My brother Mike once lamented that Dad would buy an IGA car if he could. We still being that up, regularly.

I find myself shopping, and for certain things, I buy store brand. I don’t even know when it happened. I looked at the price difference, and Ed reached down from the heavens and guided my hand to Everyday Essentials. It’s like I didn’t even know I did it. I had no control.

I think Ed would have liked Costco. Bulk items and a store brand? He would have spent hundreds of dollars to save $7. Kirkland stuff everywhere you look. He was an impulse purchase guy too, so he would have been victimized there for sure, much like his children do now too as we roam the aisles with our giant shopping cart, coming in for one or two items and leaving with a kayak.

I know there are far worse people I could change into other than my parents. They were good people. Dad would have worn the free hat. Hell, he did wear the free hat. Mom was a spender, she couldn’t save money, she liked spending foolishly and so do my siblings and I for the most part. And why not? Life is short, for crying out loud. But it has been a gradual move to the IGA stage of life, it happened seamlessly, and it feels like it was a supernatural force. I crawled into the cocoon, and emerged a Store Brand Buyer. I do Use or Freeze by a certain date. And I am proud to be Ed, Mary Jane and Dar’s kid.

I wrote the other day about my experience with a woman who I helped get to a safe place when she needed it. There’s so much more to it.

She came back in on Sunday. I was happy, at first, to see her. Then I realized her real issues. Not that her fear and situation wasn’t a real thing on Saturday. I had truly never seen someone that rattled. But as it turns out, she wasn’t likely in a dangerous situation, she was mentally ill. Delusional and paranoid. I have seen it before, in my own mom, during her episodes before getting proper treatment. And it’s heartbreaking on a different level than if she had been in a domestic abuse situation.

It was all very real to her. She had a whole scenario of the danger she felt she was in, she knew all of this was happening. She said it was her judgement day. But it wasn’t, and that is what is so hard. How do you tell someone that what they are feeling is just in their head? They do not want to hear it, because that means you are one of them. You are in on the conspiracy against her. So I listened, I tried to make her feel safe, and I tried to help. She ended up calling her boss, or supervisor, and going on quite a rant. He was out of state, out east in Connecticut. Not in a position to really be of help, but he told her he would help her. I did what I could by letting her use the phone, but ultimately through a couple of phone calls, he pulled a trigger I wasn’t sure I could do safely. He called the local police to do a welfare check. I do not know how that played out, unfortunately, but I did what I could by talking to the police about her behavior over my 2 interactions with her.

She got nervous staying put, as the supervisor told her to do. She needed to retrieve things she had left at the shelter. So she took off. But I got a license plate number and car description, just in case. So when officers came and talked with me, I gave them information I knew. Where she was going, and the disjointed stories she had told me. They asked if I thought she would hurt herself, and I said in her mind she thought she was in serious danger. She had said she would kill herself instead of dealing with the torture she thought she was going to endure. I think that was enough for them to intervene, but again I am not sure of anything that happened after those officers left me.

That’s hard, not knowing the outcome, if they were able to find her and get her help. But I am sure that between the guy in Connecticut and myself, we did the right thing by trying to help. Mental illness is no joke, I say that often. And your mind can turn on you, make everyone an enemy. I do not know how she picked me as her ally, but I tried. If she know I spoke to police, I would now be an enemy in her eyes, I am sure. But I can sleep knowing I tried. Maybe I did it all because of my experiences with Mom. As a kid I couldn’t do much for her, but I can for this woman, even if it was only a small interaction. Do no harm, right? I would implore you to say a prayer so send out a good vibe to this woman. Whatever happened next, she needs any good vibes that we can all give. I may never know what happened next.

Helping people. We don’t always know how to do it. Without knowing what someone needs, how do you start? And let’s face it, not everyone is equipped to help in all situations. I felt I was doing the right thing, and I may not know how that went, ever. But I would do it all again if someone needed it. I learned quite a bit this weekend, about people and myself. I thought I knew a lot about people, turns out there is always something new. But I would say whenever you can, reach down and help that person up, even if they didn’t offer their hand. You may be the only person who offers.

Katie, whatever happened, I hope you and your mind can find peace.

Being a bartender isn’t all that glamourous, or as rowdy as a movie like “Cocktail” would have you believe. I don’t recall a scene where Tom Cruise has to wash his glasses in the 3 sink glass washer. Or cutting endless limes for Cinco De Mayo. Or rolling silverware. It’s a job, one that has paid my bills for about 30 years. I have worked late nights, day shifts, doubles and got sent home when it’s slower than normal. It’s what I do and have done for years. I knew I wanted to bartend since Isaac cruised on the Love Boat.

I meet people, lots of people in my line of work. So many, that I don’t always remember everyone and I don’t recall every interaction. That’s ok, not everyone will remember me either. There are those that find their bartender or server just a faceless part of the masses, a means to an end of getting a drink or getting fed. But I have also made great friends and connections, gone on trips, been to ballgames and lots of fun things as a result of my ability to connect with people. It’s a benefit that doesn’t show up on paper.

Yesterday, I got a lesson on what an impact I can make in someone else’s life. A middle age woman, maybe about 40ish, came into the restaurant and sat herself in one of my booths. I think I was in the kitchen when she first came in, so I saw her as our chip guy was giving her chips and salsa. She saw me behind the bar and told him she wanted to come up by me at the bar top. So I said hi, she looked familiar, but I don’t know her. She ordered her margarita, and when I set it in front of her, she had tears in her eyes, and I really noticed how distressed she looks. Like about to fall apart, but trying really hard to hold it together. (I am thankful it was a slow afternoon, because I may not have had time to notice if it had been busier.) I asked her if she was ok, like really asked, because I could see she was not ok. She said no, asked if I knew if Harbor House, a local women’s shelter, was open today. Oh no, this woman is in trouble.

I didn’t really catch her whole story, I didn’t need to know all of it. But she was terrified about something, she didn’t feel she could use her own phone, and she didn’t know where else to go, and she remembered me from some previous visit to my restaurant. She was frantic and she came looking specifically for me, a stranger who had been kind to her on some occasion. I helped her, I found the number for the shelter, called for her, and let her use my phone to talk to the volunteer that answered the phone. She lives in a different county, so they directed her to the appropriate shelter for her area. We again used my phone to call, and talked to them and got her information. I have never been in this situation before, but I had to try to help her.

She said she was so scared, and she had thought about killing herself if she couldn’t get to the help she needed. I told her that she shouldn’t do that. I would help her, I would get her an Uber or whatever to get her to a shelter. Please hang on, get through the next few minutes, we will get you what you need. I thankfully could help, even if I didn’t know why I was in this spot. I gave her my phone number, and begged her to call me when she got to the shelter. I held her hand and encouraged her to be strong, that she will be ok. I am about to cry now thinking about the look she gave me, like she believed me and that she could be ok. Then she left, and I finished my shift. I posted a small thing about it on Facebook, because I had to get that out. It was a moment I needed to share, not looking for praise, but to release what I felt in that moment.

It took about 2 hours, but the shelter called me to let me know she was there, and she was safe. That was a tough 2 hours, although I didn’t really know her, I felt very invested in her after this. There was something big going on with her, more than just an abusive situation, it was something else. Her fear was real, it was tangible. I have no idea how I became the person she needed when this all happened. I just thank God I was at work and there when she needed me, because as desperate as she was, things could have gone very badly had I not been there. As I have thought about it for the past 14 hours or so, I am overwhelmed with the idea that I could make that kind of an impact on someone. It is truly humbling.

Be kind. Be someone that would help if someone asks for it. Your job may not be the greatest, your life may seem like it doesn’t affect anyone. I go through the motions many days, because that is part of adulting. I had no idea I could make that big of an impression on someone just by setting drinks in front of them. I do not know what led her to me, or why I was the one who could help. I am just thankful that I could. This is going to affect me for a while, I get that now. I would do it all again, and I hope I never have to.

I get the point of New Year Resolutions. It’s like hitting a reset button for yourself. And if you can do it, it very likely feels great, an excellent sense of accomplishment. Right on, get after those goals! I don’t really make a resolution anymore. I used to, because everyone else does. But I usually didn’t do too hot at them, so I kind of stopped. And doing it at New Year is so typical, I wouldn’t want to be like everyone else.

Changing is good, if something isn’t serving you anymore. Change your habits, change your life, I guess. It’s worked for me in the recent years, with my whole fitness thing. That wasn’t really a resolution, although I did start in January 2 years ago. I was just tired of my way of living my life as an unhealthy person. That’s been tough, not just the physical part, but the whole change of my eating habits. I love the food that is bad for you. It’s so yummy, but it was hurting me far more than I enjoyed it. So I decided to hit a reset button. And things changed. The biggest thing that helped was the support system I found. If this is how you want to change your life, get people around you who will lift you up, not sabotage you.

How are your relationships? Not just the romantic ones, but the ones with your family and friends. Do you feel exhausted dealing with certain people? Is it them or you? It’s a lot to think about, and everyone loves to talk about toxic people and dumping them from your life. It’s easy to talk about, but hard to do. When you are connected to someone, and they are a part of your life, it is hard to cut it loose. But if they are not being a positive force in your life, maybe it is time to create some space between you. See if that makes the difference, and it could bring you peace. It’s hard, I know because I have tried, and letting go is the hardest part. A person in my life had to do this, with a family member, and it has been so hard for her, but it has opened up some other relationships that got crushed under the weight of the “toxic” person. The struggle to let go made other things happen that have been positive. Weigh out those things, and come to the place where you feel comfortable making those changes. You can heal too, then.

Clutter. Ugh. My life is cluttered. I tried to tackle it a little last year, and didn’t do so hot. I let it overwhelm me. I am going to take a crack at it again this year, but I am going to ask for help this time around. I watch “Hoarders” to make myself feel better about the crap I have to get rid of. It is just years of things that accumulated on me. Thank God my house doesn’t have more closets. I am a sentimental sap sometimes, and that is how it all happens. Yes, I still have a prom dress, and one of my Dad’s suits, he’s been gone almost 30 years. Prom was almost 35 years ago, but to be fair, I may actually fit into it again soon, if I keep working. But a lot of stuff has to go. My favorite is people telling me to sell it on Marketplace or somewhere. Like I would make that happen, I am very busy looking at my kindergarten art project. But I will work on it, not a resolution, but a goal for which I will make a plan. Pray for me.

Whatever it is you want 2020 to bring to you, I hope you can make it happen. Set an intention, make a goal, and get a plan for it. To just “resolve” to do it isn’t setting up a plan. I want all of us to have a better year, even if your previous year was great, there is no reason this one can’t be better. If I can help you, I will try to drag myself away from my 1996 Packers Super Bowl Collection to do so, just reach out. Happy New Year, Happy You. You certainly deserve both.

We flipped the odometer to 2020 the other day. It’s a running meter, and we get an extra day this year. It always feels good to put the last year in the rearview mirror, even if it was a good year. Gotta keep moving forward, right? So what do you have planned for the year, and that extra day?

I have found myself growing into a more positive person in a lot of aspects of my life as of late. I like that, I feel like I finally have a place in the universe that suits me a little better. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re better. That is all you can hope for in life, right? Chasing perfection is exhausting, and not attainable. You lose a lot of your presence when you are chasing something you can’t catch. Enjoy your now, it’s quite a gift, really.

I have some travel plans in February, I am looking forward to that now that I can say “next month.” It’s something I have been able to do a little more of in the past couple of years. I marvel at people who travel a lot, for pleasure, not for work. There are so many places to go and see, it’s hard sometimes to decide where to go. My niece is traveling to Spain in a few days, for school, but still, that is cool, and not somewhere I would have necessarily thought of when thinking about where in the world I want to go. I want to go to Australia and Paris, and I am working a little harder now to make that happen. There are other places too, but those are higher on the list since I have wanted to go there since I was very young.

The usual things will happen this year too, Mile of Music, Disco Party, and hopefully some more cool concerts. Last year I saw Van Morrison, which was a longtime dream, and Sir Paul McCartney, as well as Three Dog Night which was an awesome show. The music I grew up on, all in one year. There aren’t too many acts left on my list, and I hope I can catch them soon, they are getting old and it would be cool to see a few more legends. If they’re coming around in 2020, I will figure it out.

I am going to continue to take better care of my health and fitness too this year. I got the first workout in today, and there will be many more this year. If you are a “resolution” person, and this is one of yours, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t stick right away. It might take a little time to find what works for you, and gym anxiety is a real thing. You can better your health without setting foot in a gym, walking, running, biking, hiking and more can all be done on your own. If you can find some weights and stuff, you can do it at home. But I suggest you find someone to be your accountability buddy, and write down your goal. Make a plan. I steal this from someone else: a goal without a plan is just a wish. That made so much sense to me when I read it, and I want you to have success if this is what you want. I had lots of support when I started out, it is what kept, and still keeps, me going. You can improve your health, no matter where you are starting from. I know you can because I did, and if I can, you can. Reach out to me if you want any help.

If you want 2020 to be your year, it absolutely can be! You even have an extra day to work towards that goal. It doesn’t have to be about big changes, but little changes that build to something bigger. You can get there, make that plan, and work towards it. Whether it is travel, weight loss, finding love or cleaning out that closet, you can get there. It’s a new year, and it is a good time to turn it into your year. Focus on yourself, help someone else if they need it, and smile. You will be great, and the 2020 will thank you when it comes time to turn to 2021.

The holiday season is a magical time, no doubt. And working in a restaurant in December for the most part is excellent. I have gotten some pretty excellent “holiday” tips, regular customers have been showering me with cards and candy and gifts. It has been fun. Until yesterday. There is always that one day the Trailer Park Trash descend upon the greater Walmart area, and just guess where my restaurant is? Right in front of Wally World. Time to vent, people!!

There was just a vibe about yesterday. I got lulled into thinking it would be a great day because 3 of my co-workers separately brought in doughnuts. Why wouldn’t it be a great day? Sprinkles and sugar mean great things, don’t they? Nope. But those tasty pastries did help to soothe the pain, because comfort eating is one of my biggest downfalls.

It was a day where I just couldn’t crack about 15% most of the day. That is unusual on a Saturday. Have people started peeking at their credit card balances already? Wait until January before you depress yourself like that. But whatever it was, it hit me and my co-workers hard, because the other servers said it was bad too.

I had a table of three women, a grandma, mom and daughter (the daughter was adult aged, not a child.) They were not so bad it seemed, although grandma was one that spoke down to me a little. Bummer, because she paid the bill at the end. I helped her navigate the menu, she wanted just a taco and enchilada, not a whole meal. She didn’t know the term “a la carte” so I explained it to her, not in a bad way. She just didn’t like me for whatever reason. One of those, you know? She probably doesn’t like her own family either, she seemed pretty salty about everything. They ate, we boxed up leftovers, and after all of that I dropped the check. Grandma pulls out a card, and as I reach to take it from her, the granddaughter slips her what looked like about $40 in cash. I return with card, receipts and a pen and thank them for stopping in, and I wish them a Happy New Year. Then, as I walk around I hear the very distinct sound of change getting dumped out and counted. Yep, they’re leaving me all change for a tip. I return to the table after they leave to $6.41 in quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies. No pocket lint this time. Bummer. This was about a 14% tip, more than I figured I would get, but it’s a very defeated feeling you get when this happens.

My friends Amy and Mike were sitting at the bar along with my friend Jaime when this all occurred. I had mentioned that I could hear them digging out change. They were amazed, and then because they are all comedians, they emptied out their change and gave it to me too. But all that change does add up, and I save it. I don’t change it in at the end of my shift. That’s like free money in my world, I pay for vacations and stuff with change. But it just boils down to how some people are, and why some servers and bartenders have negative attitudes sometimes. It’s cumulative.

Those ladies were not the worst though, the last 2 of my shift take that prize. They did not seem to care for our salsa, which is served complimentary with chips. Free. No charge for that. They complained to me about it, and I apologized, because that is all I can do at that moment. I don’t make the salsa. I didn’t even serve it to them, the Chip Guy does that. I brought them extra bean dip, but the one lady just didn’t let it go, and kept making snide comments about the salsa. Now, my bad attitude had reached it’s peak, but I was still polite, I served them, was pleasant and finished serving them. They paid, separate checks, which is fine. Their table total was about $38. They sat for a while after, and I was finished so I waited for them to leave so I could pick up my tip. All $1.15 of it. I don’t make the salsa!!! The Change Ladies actually were a dream compared to these broads. It was just the cherry on top of the crummy day that started so promising with all the doughnuts.

I cannot stress enough how rare days like this are. I love my job most days and the time flies on the fun days. Yesterday felt about 3 shifts longer than it was. But let me tell you, I will run out the door the next time I see so many doughnuts in back. I know a sign when I see it. Yes, I will grab three of those doughnuts and probably end up in a corner rocking and mumbling to myself. At least my vacation change jar is almost full.

I am not married. I am not even in a relationship at the moment. I do know lots of married and coupled up people. I see lots of really good relationships, and I see some that should have the plug pulled and quick. But as an outsider of those relationships, I mostly keep my mouth shut. It isn’t my place to bust up people or families. But if you see something really wrong, should you say something?

A lot of this can be observed in the restaurant industry. We work together closely, and so we learn a lot about our co-workers relationships. We have a lot of time to chat about who does what, who is happy, who isn’t, and on and on. And you can tell when someone is really happy, or when they are trying to convince you that they are happy but they really are miserable. I can give my opinions, but my own personal experiences lack any real weight. I can only go on what I have seen and heard from others. Any time I have told someone they deserve better, I have meant it and they have almost never listened or believed me. It’s sad, but you can only leave something when you are truly ready to go.

One thing I see, and it is rare, is the abusive relationships. I thankfully have seen very few physically abusive relationships, but what I mean is the mentally abusive ones. Both kinds are usually about one thing: Control. One person wants the control of the relationship. Maybe they control the money. Maybe it is access to their partner. But make no mistake, once you relinquish that control, you are not getting it back from that person. You will systematically lose who you are, and you will lose people that love you. I don’t know how it has happened to some of the strongest people I know, but it has. I figure maybe they just weren’t as strong as I thought they were. But it breaks my heart that it goes on.

Do you have a friend or family member who lost themselves to another person? I don’t mean the “head over heals” in love thing. I mean that their partner very systematically removed them from your life, through controlling actions. They usually are absolutely insecure themselves, so they use some pretty rotten tactics to gain control over their partner. They will use other people even to control the narrative of how much access outside people have to their victim. And so much of “I am the only one you need, I am your everything.” I know they make the other person miserable about stuff, so much so that it is easier to just not upset them. Do as little as possible so you don’t have to deal with their wrath. Don’t rock the boat, as it were.

It’s hard to watch it happen. You lose someone you care very much about, and there isn’t much you can do to “save” them until they realize on their own they have to get out of it, and often they don’t know how to, because they have lost touch with those that want to help. If you have someone like that, don’t give up on them. Reach out when you can, and be a presence, even if you don’t get to see them. Let them know you are around. It may be a huge safety net for them someday, I hope.

I have personal reasons for this, and it bubbles up every so often and there isn’t much I can do. I try hard to help people when I can, but if they don’t realize they need someone, you can only do so much for them. Just be there. Keep the same phone number. A few people I know will hopefully need an escape plan someday, and I would be happy to drive the getaway car. Until then, I pray for them, and I listen. I look for signs that they are ok.

If you can, be a beacon for someone in the dark. They may not realize there isn’t much light reaching them, but someday it may catch their eye, and it will be the one big thing they need. It is a thankless position, but hope is a good thing. And I hope we all hit the light together someday.

Holidays are a tough time for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. My friend Kelly, who lives in Australia, wrote a piece about how tough it is being a single mom this time of year. I just read a blog about a person who is dealing with mom’s dementia and how difficult it is to visit, especially this time of year. People live alone, have nobody to spend the day with, others don’t care for those they are spending the day with, and it goes on and on.

It isn’t a Hallmark movie happy ending for everyone. It couldn’t possibly work that way. Ralphie always gets his Red Rider Gun, but lots of kids don’t get anything. How do you balance all the joy you should feel with all the jealousy you do feel when you see the people that get the Christmas they dream about? Hard to say, but you can do it, you can get through the next 10 days. I do every year, and it’s tough, but don’t get disheartened if it isn’t glorious 24/7.

I get jealous when people talk about traveling to see their folks. Most people kind of gripe about the traveling aspect. It isn’t cheap to travel for the holidays, airlines jack their prices, gas isn’t cheap, and traffic is nuts. I would pay any amount of money if I could spend one more Christmas with my parents. We didn’t have these “magical” holidays, they were just a day we had together. Things would get messed up, whether it was food, a bad gift or someone showed up jagged. But I don’t have it anymore, and it’s what I want for Christmas, it is just impossible. When you complain about having to go to see your family for a holiday, be careful who you say it in front of, some of us just don’t have that as an option, and you may not either some day.

Single people hate couples at Christmas. Not hate in the hostile way, but the annoyed way. I don’t know anyone who gives their spouse a Lexus with a bow, but I know people who make some pretty big grand gestures for a holiday. And it is so cool they can do that, but most of us single people only get our gift exchange at work, so don’t brag too much. It must feel wonderful to have someone write a love letter in the snow for you, I have to pick up Zelda’s poop. All of the ads you see on TV are aimed at the Happy Couple Christmas. That just feels like dagger the closer you get to the actual holiday. There is very little time to recover before the Valentine’s jewelry ads assault us, so be kind to us lonely souls. Maybe give me some candy. Eating your emotions is the best around the holidays.

Kids and Christmas go hand in hand. Yeah, I don’t have any of those. Believe me, I am very OK with that. I just never saw myself with kids. I don’t hate them, I just shouldn’t be in charge of them. I have said for years, working in a restaurant was the best free birth control I could have ever asked for. We don’t really have any little kids around right now in my family, so Christmas has been a little easier, yet kind of empty feeling the past few years. I can’t imagine what holidays are like for those who have never had the little kiddos running around. As big of a pain in the butt they can be running around Christmas morning, all hopped up on sugar and banging on the loud toys their aunt or uncle gave them, it is weird when that time has passed. We’ll probably get some more little kids in a few years, but it is a different feeling these days.

I have experienced many Christmases now, and they have all been mostly good. They evolve as you wander through your life. Time passages, as it were. You can look back with nostalgia, and convince yourself they were all perfect. Maybe they were, maybe they were awful. But they are all yours. If you are spending your holiday missing someone, I feel you, it isn’t easy. If you are wishing for something you can’t get, stop that for now, and appreciate what and who you do have. If you don’t have anyone to spend the day with, reach out to me, my family welcomes anyone from the Island of Misfit Toys, or join me and my brother at Cleo’s on Christmas Eve. Holiday Cheer, we believe in that as much as anything!

It is natural to feel a little jealousy and annoyance this time of year, even if you don’t admit it. Don’t let it take over, however. I hope you can replace it with some joy and love somewhere along the line. The holidays are hard for many, I don’t want it to be for you, my friends. But if it is, look for little joys and you will find them. Merry Christmas!!