I am relatively obsessed with the TV show “This Is Us.” I know quite a few of my friends are as well, we text a lot of “what was that?” and “OMG” during the show or right after. It’s a well written and engaging show, and if you don’t watch it you can probably still follow the thread of this today, because it was just one scene from this week’s episode that got me thinking.

The adopted daughter of Randall and Beth, Deja, has gotten involved with a sweet kid, Malik. But he is a teenage father, and that has all the parents riled up. They skip school one day, and have that amazing day that only teenagers ever seem to get to have. The parents of the kids are having a tussle over it all, and Deja comes up and says how sorry she is they skipped school, but that she is not sorry for liking Malik, and that she isn’t sorry because it was the best day of her life. Her character is 14 years old. At 14 it is probably still realistic to be able to point at the best day of your life. And that is what got me thinking, after I was done crying like I do through that whole show every week.

What has been the best day of my life? Now I am about to turn 50, as I have mentioned before. That is way more days to consider than a 14 year old would have to sort through. And I also have to consider that maybe I haven’t lived the best day of my life just yet. I thought about being 14, and it seems to me I had some pretty good days that year. That was when I was developing new friendships, and at 14 you are just old enough where you are getting a little independence from your parents. They are letting you explore the world, just a little bit. There were likely some bad days too, but you certainly don’t romanticize them when you are looking back for the good days.

I know that to pinpoint one day as the “Best Day” is too tough. I can pick out some of my worst days, those are fairly vivid and more recent. They left a mark, and I don’t wish to revisit them in a nostalgic way. I think looking back for my best days reveals that it is more about who I spent the time with than what we were actually doing. Good friends and family you love make the most simple things great when you get to combine them. Throw in laughter and silliness and you can have the best day anywhere, really.

Walking through a state park in Arizona with Marge and Butcher was a great day. Going to Lambeau Field with a good friend who I don’t get to see anymore was a fantastic day. Trying to ride the bus from The Strip to Fremont Street in Vegas with Jamie and Jesse was a ridiculously fun day. Any Thursday of the Mile of Music with my brother Mike turns into a great but fuzzy day. Cleo’s on Christmas Eve and Butcher getting flustered at the old Houdini’s was a great day. Going with my new friends to see “Footloose” in the old movie theater at Valley Fair Mall was a great day. Riding the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland with Dad talking like a pirate was a great day. Dad losing his hat on the Tidal Wave at Great America after he said the centrifugal force would keep it on his head was a great day. Sweet talking my parents into letting me go up north to the Mole Lake Bluegrass Festival with Amy, just us driving up there alone, was a great day.

Just a few examples of great days and memories. Are any of those the “Best Day” of my life? I don’t know, I haven’t lived all of my life just yet. But I am happy to have all of those memories, some are recent, some go back to that 14 year old girl. The road ahead will provide some more great days too. Keep living that life, remember those feelings when you have a good day. Typing out those above gave me some serious smiles just now. Little moments in a big life.

Live your life making memories, and don’t apologize for it. Not every memory has someone you got to keep in life, except when you keep them in your heart, where they are safe forever. You don’t know at 14 that more great days are coming, so get after those feelings like a 14 year old kid living it all for the first time. And a big thanks to “This Is Us” for reminding me of some of those things that happen at 14 stay with me forever.

It’s started early this year, the complaining about the weather. I am a full on participant this year. The temperature drop has been vicious and cruel, and ridiculously early. I think I read somewhere in my AARP materials that complaining about the weather is mandatory now that I carry their card with pride.

It’s nice that the cold came in with the time change back to Standard time. Gives us an opportunity to bitch about two things at one time. “It’s so dark so early, and boy that temperature sure dropped when the sun went down!” Two-fers. We love ’em!! The first week after Daylight Savings ends is a little shock to the system. But since it happens every single year, I don’t crab about it too much. Sure it’s kind of dumb, but lots of things are, so I choose to complain about other things, like people that complain about it, instead.

I am a bit perplexed by the early onslaught of Christmas stuff so early this year. I know people that are full on decorated already. Why? I get putting the outside lights up while it’s still decent out- oh wait, it has snowed 3 times already, so that’s not a thing. But why do you have to have your tree up for 2 months? What is that? I have my reasons for waiting on Christmas stuff, and it is called Thanksgiving and my birthday. A day dedicated to eating deserves our full attention. And a day dedicated to my presence in the world is worthy of some pause as well.

I will now speak on behalf of people with birthdays in December. Notice us!! We didn’t exactly pick our birth date! My birthday is at the beginning of the month, which isn’t so bad. My friend Amy has hers on the 19th. When we were first hanging out, years ago, she told me stories about how in the mayhem of holiday prep, her parents would kind of forget her birthday. And she would get one of her Christmas presents, wrapped in Christmas paper, hastily grabbed and handed to her! That made me so sad for her, and others with the unfortunate timing of being born close to that holiday! Her parents are great people, but with a business, 4 kids and big extended family, this stuff happens! So we, The December Babies, deserve our time too! Quit pushing Santa and his Elves down our throats before we have a chance to blow out our candles!

I got off track, surprise! So it’s cold out, huh? There are people that embrace winter, God bless them. I tolerate it. I am getting to the age where I see the draw of being a Snow Bird. I am just too young and too poor to make that dream a reality just yet. But even my cold weather buddies are crabby about this early cold! How are we going to make it if even they are ticked off at Mother Nature?

Well, not much use in complaining, they say. But I will anyway, here and in person should I see you before it warms up. Fear not, my friends. The time will fly, and before you know it the question will change back to “Hot enough for Ya?” and the circle of life continues. In the immortal words of Mary Jane, my mom: Bundle Up!!

Things are going to get cranked up pretty good for the next month and a half or so. Holidays. Are you one that gets pulled in many directions? Your family, your significant other’s family, friends, work parties and more social engagements than you have in a full year? It’s all coming at you, ready or not. I have seen pictures of people putting up their Christmas trees already. Whack jobs, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.

I don’t have it so bad, I have Thanksgiving, my birthday and a few other important birthdays to celebrate, and Christmas. I don’t have multiple Thanksgivings, or several Christmas get togethers. But some of my friends and family have a very delicate and intricate schedule they have to follow every year. Throw in stuff you have to do for kiddos, and BOOM! Exhaustion and stress everywhere! Why do we do it to ourselves every single year? The amount of complaining about what you have to do does not balance the amount of joy you are supposed to be experiencing, or does it?

Guess what? It is Ok to say “NO” to some of it. Wait, what? Yep, you do not have to stretch your wallet or your sanity to the limits. But… but my mother-in-law on my siblings left side of the family tree of the adopt-a-family round robin white elephant cookie exchange wrapping party…. Huh? What the hell happened there? What happened to family, simple get-togethers and relaxing? Where is the “It’s better to give than receive” mentality? People are about to spend the next 7 weeks trying to out-do each other on baking, buying, wrapping, decking halls and stressing each other out because someone forgot to grab the gluten-free cookies for Karen. Groups of women in matching sweatshirts and elf hats are already descending on the malls and it scares the crap out of me.

Slow down, just a little. For yourself. These holidays roll around every single year. And the stuff gets done. The gifts get where they are supposed to, the cookies get baked and eaten and the cat will climb up the tree and knock stuff down. Why stress about it? What good does it do? One of my favorite holiday prep stories was the year my stepmom, Dar, was baking cookies. She kept burning them, and she was so pissed. She had turned the oven on, not wearing her glasses, and set it to broil instead of bake. I don’t recall how many cookies got wrecked before she realized it, but guess what? Christmas was not ruined. We still laugh about it. Less than perfect outcomes make for better stories.

So as you roll through this holiday period, make sure to take care of you. Say no to unreasonable schedules, requests, and say no to the stress. Do the stuff you enjoy, the rest will work itself out. Make memories, not anxiety. Perfect holidays only exist on TV, and you will have better memories of your family time, not what color wrapping paper you used for presents that match the tree. Laugh and enjoy the people you love, that is the best gift, and they can’t take it back to the store for credit.

I am a part of several groups and pages on Facebook, like most people. I like those groups most of the time because you can interact with people without actually having to deal with people. It’s fantastic, get in, get out and never actually have to meet anyone. One guy in a group posted for tips on how to deal with changing from working in the kitchen of a restaurant to being a bartender, as he is fairly anti-social. A lot of people in the group are kind of D-bags, so he got a lot of bad advice. But I get it, I really do. There is more money to be made out front, so throw out your back of the house persona, strap on a smile and make some cash!

I have a bit of this myself. People never believe me when I tell them that as a kid, I was incredibly shy. I look back, and it was pretty bad. I think there are lot of reasons for it, a lot of scenarios that just made me feel better not getting noticed too much. Plus in a big family, it is easy to blend into the background. I had 3 older brothers, they made a lot of noise. I didn’t have to. When I transitioned to a new school when we moved, I was 13, and I made a conscious decision to make myself be more outgoing. That was really hard. I had to force myself, but I knew if I wanted to make new friends, I was going to have to put myself out there. It was exhausting! But I did it, and I made some great friendships, I got involved in some groups, and I can look back at my high school days with some pretty great memories. It was a persona I created for myself.

Now, I work with the public. And when I am at work, I am on. I chat with people, I tell stories, they laugh and I make friends with lots of them. But deep down inside? I want to go home and sit with Zelda. I go out and do stuff sometimes, but not like I used to. I want to be away from people most of the time. It is so hard to explain. I have read articles about it, the Extroverted Introvert. That’s me!! But not always. There are times I want to be out, and there are events I wouldn’t miss. Does anyone else feel that way? It’s tough, I tell you that!

When I am work, it is like acting. You have your work personality. Everyone has that, I don’t care what kind of job you have. I can turn it on, no problem. Sure there are days when you just aren’t feeling it, but you go through the motions of it, and get it done. It isn’t that I hate people, it’s just I don’t like a lot of them very much. But there are days when I still feel like that little shy girl, the one that doesn’t really want to get noticed. Not anti-social, but not wanting to interact either. You are in a room full of people but feel incredibly alone at the same time. That is probably the best way to describe it.

Now the holidays are on the way. That will mean parties, social gatherings, places where the Charm will have to get turned on. And it isn’t that hard with people I know and like. Chatting up a room with familiar faces isn’t so bad. But making the small talk with new people is often where the pain comes. I know that is hard for many people, but when you are perceived as a “fun person” as I often am, it can be really hard. I get through it all, but it takes a lot of effort. I am learning that this is all pretty common, really. Talking to other people I have learned more and more people have this social anxiety. I feel better about that, we can all be and feel awkward together.

What I guess I am suggesting is that even if you feel like you want to be “out there” but still can’t get out of your sweatpants to go out in public, you are not alone. You have a part of you that can do it, be social. It may take an extra effort, but there are people that are interested in you. But also, if you cannot quite put it together enough to go out, it is OK to stay home too. Make a deal with yourself, that you can go out, but that if it isn’t happening for you that you can get out. That is what I often have to do, and I end up having so much fun I am one of the last to leave. I often think people that are part of a couple have it a little easier, as they can use the “Buddy System” of being social. As a single person, I have a tough time getting there, finding a person or group to hang with, and feeling like an outsider. But I have made myself do it, and more often than not ended up having a good time. I hope for that for others that hate being alone, but can’t quite get together enough to be around other people.

At the end of the day, be yourself. You have your own way of navigating your social agenda. It is hard for more people than you think. There are those that cannot handle being alone, and they surround themselves with anyone, just to not be alone. I think they have it harder than those of us who are comfortable in our own company. But don’t isolate yourself either, reach out when you need someone or something. It is a hard thing to do, but we are a social bunch of anti-social beings, as long as people aren’t to people-y.

We got our first real snowfall of the season overnight. It really isn’t much, a couple of inches. It wasn’t a surprise, the weather dudes have been telling us for about 5 days it would happen. People do have a tendency to act like it’s Armageddon on the first one, even though we live in Wisconsin and this seems to happen every October. I think it’s seeking attention, or a sense of belonging to bitch about the first snowfall. I bought a new snowbrush and ice scraper for my new car this year, so I wasn’t so put out. I will survive this. And the doggo seems to like it, so whatever.

A lot of people love the snow, I am not really one of them. It is hard to say exactly when I started to hate the snow. Probably when I had to be responsible for snow removal. This first snowfall is not a shoveling event, it’s just on the grass and on vehicles so it is not so bad. It didn’t stick on the roads, and it didn’t seem slippery when I was out this morning, so again, no harm, no foul.

It seems to me I liked the snow as a kid. Most kids do, you make a snowman, throw snowballs, make snow angels. It can be fun. You don’t seem to notice the cold as much as a kid, and the payoff of playing out in the snow was some hot chocolate or hot cider when you got back inside. Like I said above, when snow becomes something you are responsible for moving around is when the hate sets in.

I have some great neighbors who love their snowblowers, so it isn’t so bad for me when we get big storms. They always help out. I think that is one of my favorite things about living in a neighborhood. People do look out for each other. My driveway is short, and I am not on a corner, so the sidewalk stretch isn’t too long either. The guys will have to wait a little longer to fire up their machines, this wasn’t that kind of a storm, but when the time comes they’ll be ready.

I think it’s the cold that I hate the most. I just want warmth. Most of us do, and I will tell you what, I owe all of the skinny women I used to mock an apology. Since I lost some weight, I get cold a lot easier than I used to. When women would come in the restaurant wrapped in layers and ask if our heat was on I would go in back and make fun of them, say stuff like “Maybe you should eat a sandwich once in a while!” I didn’t realize how much my fat was keeping me warm! I am not looking to bulk up to stay warmer, but where do the skinny people buy their sweaters and stuff? I may need some of that this year, I am happy to say. Haha. Let’s just say I am starting to see the draw of being a Snow Bird, I just am too young for that yet. Dammit.

So we have (mostly) survived our first measurable snowfall of the season. People have appropriately bitched about the fact that it is only October, and posted all the pictures. I even posted some, as it was almost pretty in the trees. But the sun is out, and it is doing its job. It will melt soon enough. The kiddos will still have to wear their coats over their costumes for the traditional Wisconsin Trick or Treating uniform. We are moving on into the next phase of seasons, and we will likely all survive. We are lucky to have all of the seasons here, it makes us heartier people, and gives us plenty to talk about. If not for the weather, most of us wouldn’t know what to say. Enjoy the day, and don’t forget to ask all your friends: Cold enough for ya?!?

Most of you know I work as a bartender/server, so a day in my shoes means my feet hurt. Well, a little some days. But truly my job is fantastic, like 95% of the time. I get to basically visit with people, hand them food and drinks, which everyone likes, and get cash money in return. Most people are wonderful, and I have been super fortunate to make friends and have people treat me like family over the years. What about that 5% of the time it isn’t fantastic? That’s a combination of crappy people, and the little things some people do…

When we greet you at the table, say hi or whatever it is we say, greet us back. When I say “Hi, how are you today?” and you reply with “Diet Coke” that is not how it goes, and not how your Mama raised you. It takes a second to reply. I will ask you what you want to drink, I swear I will get to it almost immediately. There is a flow to this, and you just disrupted it and now I hate you. I have made at least 10 judgements of how this is going to go, and you don’t look good in any of the scenarios. Listen to me for just a second, I likely told you I am getting you more napkins, or refilling your beverage and our whole exchange will go more smoothly if you recognize me as a human being.

If you’re sitting in a booth, please stop shoving everything I will have to clear from that booth as far inside as possible. Most of our booths at my restaurant have window sills. Don’t put dirty napkins over there. Or forks, or anything. You don’t want it in front of you? Hand it to me, I will take it away. Move it to the edge of the table, near me. I got it. I promise. It’s a whole thing, I swear, and you probably don’t even notice you do it, but you’re just making things harder than it needs to be. And I know you think you are being helpful stacking six plates on top of each other, with silverware and things in between each level, so it is like a messed up Jenga pile. You aren’t being helpful. We all have our way of clearing and stacking plates that we are good at carrying, it’s sort of like a game or challenge. Let us take care of that, please.

Along that same line, stop wedging, wadding up and placing napkins and things is all the ramekins. (The little sauce cups that dressings, salsas, etc. come in.) It’s gross. And someone, usually me, has to dig those nasty wads out of them. People do this all the time. Just stop it, please. And rolled silverware that so many restaurants hand out to every guest? Go ahead, unroll them. If you just dig the fork out, and leave it rolled with the knife in there? You haven’t saved us anything, and some server that had to spend 45 minutes after their last guest left rolling that silverware wants to stab you with that dull butter knife. Chances are, you took out the fork, and asked us for an extra napkin. Use that one, those little tabs holding it together are not an unbreakable forcefield. Then I will be happy to get you an extra napkin if you soil that one.

And please keep track of your phones, keys, wallets and any kids toys you have everywhere. I get it, sometimes things get left behind. We have a Lost and Found, it is about to become quite a collection of mittens, hats and gloves in the next few weeks. But no, I did not throw your iPhone 43 away unless it was stuffed in a ramekin. The more crap you carry into the restaurant with you means your odds of leaving something behind increases. Check your giant knock-off purse one more time before you berate me. And please, take your tongue rings with you after you eat too. You have no idea how many of those we have to grab the Haz Mat gloves for to take off a table. Yuck.

In our industry we have much to be aware of, being kind and courteous to people while being mindful of serving hot, correctly prepared meals and beverages to people who think of us as an afterthought. We are a means to an end for their nourishment, entertainment, and avoiding having to do dishes at home. I am happy to do all of that for you, and it is fairly lucrative for me. Some days are much easier than others, just like any job. Coming off weekend shifts is usually when all of these things come to a head for me. I see a lot on the weekends, it’s a hodge podge of different people and personalities. I guess I just want to make people aware that how we see you depends on how you see us. We just want to be recognized a little, and we don’t want to touch gross stuff more than we have to.

If you are heading out to eat this weekend, next weekend, or any time soon, give that person taking care of you a little extra smile and be aware of your area. We mostly like you, I swear. Kindness to us can make our shift better, and it makes your whole experience better. At least that is how I am trying to do it. Have a great day, everyone.

First of all, yes, I did have to look up how to spell “Hesperus.” This was something our Dad always said to us when we would roll out of bed all disheveled, or look like a general mess. I sure didn’t know what the Hesperus was, or what wrecked it, but the general message was received. I looked a mess. It was just his way, and it was all fun and good.

I kind of feel that way a lot, you know. Like an unmade bed, which was the variation my stepmom Dar used instead of summoning Hesperus. I just never was able to put myself together in the way a lot of girls did. Cute outfits with the right accessories, well kept hairstyle, etc. A lot of that stems back to our childhood, when Mom, God bless her, tried to put me in cute outfits. As her first daughter, I got lots of nice little dresses and frilly things I just didn’t care about. I was following 3 brothers, and I am sure I was more interested in what they were up to than learning to be a girl in Girl Clothes.

We went to Catholic grade school, I went through 7th grade. That meant uniforms. Little plaid jumpers, then in 5th grade the girls went to skirts. No individuality there, and accessories were maybe earrings, but I didn’t have my ears pierced until I was 14, and that was against my Dad’s wishes. (Thanks again Dar!!) But still, so many of the girls managed to look good, put together in those plaid nightmare outfits. Not me, I looked like a mess. There were many contributing factors to that, Mom’s episodes of Mental Illness meant a lot of laundry mishaps, and ironing uniforms was not a priority. Things like that. I was jealous of these girls, but not enough so to try to change how I put myself together. Again, other things going on, but I just couldn’t get there.

When I finally escaped Catholic school, I got to wear regular clothes: jeans, shorts, t-shirts, sweaters, whatever I wanted to put on each morning! It was a dream! So when I would see the efforts some of these new friends put into their outfits each day, I tried. I had a few things that looked ok, but I still couldn’t accessorize. And what I learned along the way was that I kind of didn’t care that much, really. I was more about comfort. I wanted to look cute, I just didn’t have to motivation to get it put together quite right.

I will say this- once I could wear makeup, I did. All the time. And that was always an adventure, looking back. There are still days that when I “put on my face” each day, that I think I look like an 8 year old who broke into mom’s makeup bag. That’s a whole other thing.

Ok, so here we are in present day Coco World. I still prefer to dress comfortably. But now, with the work I have put in losing weight and getting stronger, I have been buying more cute clothes, and Lord Help Me, trying to accessorize with cute shoes, boots, the occasional scarf, whatever chicks wear these days. The results? I still look like I don’t know what I am doing. I did put together a pretty ok looking outfit when I went out with my friend Deana the other night. (She ALWAYS looks put together with fun clothes and outfits, by the way!!) I didn’t look like an orphan. That’s a big deal for me. So maybe there is hope for me, finally, at almost 50 years old.

Maybe the Hesperus weren’t so wrecked after all. But really, at the end of the day, maybe I want to be wrecked just a little. If I start looking too “put together” people won’t know it’s me!! At least I will always have the crazy curly hair to keep me from looking too civilized. Having your own “style” doesn’t always mean you have to be “IN STYLE” but just be yourself. I know better who I am now than I did a few years ago, and by not comparing myself to the girls who know how to match their boots to their belt and earrings I have found my comfort level, which is comfortable. So, Hesperus, and Dad, maybe a little Wrecked isn’t so awful after all.

Lots of love, from Coco to all of you on this morning!!

Yesterday while driving to the gym, I saw some protesters, which isn’t that unusual as I pass by a Planned Parenthood Clinic where this happens regularly. I don’t sweat those people too much, as that clinic doesn’t do abortions, and they have a right to be there. They don’t cause much trouble either, they hang out and talk to each other mostly and wave their graphic signs. But there were some other guys, 2 blocks away from them, with anti-abortion signs, but also they had a heavy anti-gay agenda. I don’t think they are associated with the PP protesters, and the one guy with a megaphone was spewing some pretty vile rhetoric and hate. I gave him the finger, and moved on, but it bothered me, a lot.

I just don’t get that kind of hatred. The kind that boils up and makes you go out with a megaphone and openly bash a segment of the population who isn’t really bothering you. He’s bothering me far more than any single gay person I have ever met. So where does it come from? I have to say it is fear based, and based in ignorance. But why, if you are a heterosexual person, do you fear gay people? They aren’t that interested in you. If you are a good looking person, they may admire your physical appearance, but they are not going to attack you. You are unlikely to get sexually assaulted, and believing they are perverts who cannot control their urges is the ignorance I speak of.

When it was National Coming Out day a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about that. And all over Appleton, businesses have been displaying the rainbow flags, showing support for the LGBTQ population in town. This had to make these guys crazy. They already feel like the “Gay Agenda” is getting shoved down their throats. Gay Agenda? Really? The only agenda I see them pursuing is equality. They aren’t recruiting people to become gay. They just want to be like us, living the life we live. Live in a neighborhood with the person they love, married or not, and have rights when it comes to decisions with healthcare, job opportunities, and whatever else it is that heterosexuals don’t have to think about on a daily basis. Hell, I am pushing my agenda harder by writing this blog and trying to promote it to all of you.

Don’t get me started with the religious stuff either. Jesus never walked around telling you who to hate and who to accept. He was a Peace and Love kind of guy. He said things like however you treat the least of my brothers is how you treat me. That says equality baby. If you hate them, you hate me too. He traveled around with 12 guys and he loved them. I don’t know about their behaviors, I don’t care. They had love, and they went around spreading love. The word of God is not hate and fear, other than to fear what would happen if you weren’t a good and loving person. I think people screw that message up all the time. People follow religion for a sense of belonging, peace and understanding of the universe. If you are using it as a reason to hate anyone, stop. You are doing it wrong. Plain and simple.

While this ranting is fun, I want to learn things from it too. And I am learning, from the people that posted when I wrote about it last night on Facebook. I am learning there is more love, truly, than hatred. It’s just the ones who hate are so noisy about it. They try to recruit you to their hatred, to validate their opinions. You cannot successfully argue with someone like that. They will not change me, nor will I change them. But I can do this and rally the like-minded to be stronger than the hatred. I challenge you to be supportive of those who need you. Be a voice of reason whenever possible, don’t let the rhetoric drown you out. You can affect more people with a steady presence of support. And I hope you do.

*As a side note of the Megaphone Jackass, I heard he was over by the Appleton West High School this morning, with his Sodomy Sign Holding Lackey. I wish them luck. We all know how brutal kids can be.

Peace and Love, my friends. Give it a shot, things will get better for you. It has for me.

I have been bartending, and serving, for nearly 30 years. It’s one of those things that when I say it out loud, it freaks me out a little, but it has flown by fast. When you spend that many years doing a job, you see and hear many things that don’t always pop up in other careers. I was never a big job hopper either, so I spent a lot of those years at very few different places, so I get to know lots of regular guests. Some better than others, but I am a recognizable and friendly face behind the bar.

What’s been getting to me a little lately is the chronic drinkers. The ones that are alcoholics but don’t really know it yet. Particularly this one group that comes over in the afternoons in between their shifts at a neighboring restaurant. First I want to say that I used to drink a lot, but I was always more of a post-shift drinker, never a between shift drinker. I just couldn’t function with half a jag on, and I didn’t usually work many split shifts anyway. But they are really common for many servers.

This group is over by us 3-5 times a week, and in that 2 hour break they are drinking 3-6 cocktails before they head back to work. They tip me obnoxiously well, but I am beginning to feel awful about their visits. Like I am overly contributing to their eventual downfall. I know that if I am not the one serving them, there are plenty of other nearby bars for them to go to, so it is their choice ultimately that they are doing this. They are adults, they have the ability to decide when and where they drink or don’t drink. But they always drink.

This is something new for me, the guilt side of being the one serving these chronic alcoholics. Since I have been drinking less and less over the past few years I notice more of how much some people drink, and I think a lot of how much I used to drink. But I love doing my job, and I am well aware of how hard it is to find good bartenders. I make a pretty good living doing it too, so I have to reconcile it a little bit. But these people are depressing, and I just dread it when I see them cross the parking lot headed in for their break.

If this is what growing into a more mature adult is then I am not a fan. I don’t like the feeling that I am partially to blame for someone else’s behavior. But am I really? They do this to themselves, don’t they? I can tell you stories about people and how they act in bars. I had a lady that came in all the time with this one guy, and she told me one time, when he went to the restroom, that he was her boyfriend, and that if she came in sometime with her husband that she would appreciate if I didn’t ask where Brian was. What? How about keep your places you cheat separate from where you go with your husband!!! I have no control over her infidelities, why do I feel bad about someone’s drinking problem? I am no angel, but things I have witnessed could crumble empires if I decided to divulge things I know.

Choices. We all have the ability to make good ones and bad ones. And I am ultimately responsible for my own choices. I have learned the “hard way” on multiple occasions that I am not always the best at choices. I know I am not responsible for the choices that group makes when they take their shift breaks each day. I serve them and try to not participate in their story beyond that. I have to make a living too, you know? I can’t keep people from cheating on their significant others, and I can’t stop a lot of things that I have not chosen. Personal responsibility is the name of the game, or at least it should be I guess. I am doing my best at making better choices for my life, and some of them even work out. But I still worry about others, and what their choices will ultimately do to them. I would be upset to learn that something happened to one of the group I mentioned, but it isn’t my fault what they do each day to their health and livelihood. I am coming to terms with my angst about it, and that is my choice.

*** I very purposely try to be vague about people I mention in these blogs, but some of my regular people will know who I am talking about here, and they know how I feel about the whole thing. I struggle some days, and others I just count the money at the end of the shift and head home. To write about it is cathartic, and I hope you do not see yourself in this anywhere. But if you do, know that there is help available to you if you want to get control of your choices. I try not to judge, but I do know that is hard when you see what I see almost daily. I would happily help anyone that needs to get pointed in a direction if they feel they need to change their choices, and stuff.