It’s not my favorite day. I have mentioned how brutal August has been in the past, and today is the date that all started. Late in the night of August 30, 1990 we got a phone call that changed my life. We needed to get back to the hospital, it wasn’t looking good for our dad. He had been in the hospital for 2 weeks. He had a heart attack, he had some blockages and they did a bypass surgery. He just couldn’t recover from it. As strong as he was, it was all complications after that surgery. He died that night.

Crushed. Broken hearted. Demolished. I can think back and think of all of those things I felt, we felt as a family, and I feel it right now as I write this. It’s been 29 years, most days I don’t experience it like this anymore. I miss him, every day, but it isn’t as painful anymore, just a dull ache. It’s there all the time so I don’t notice it so much. But on this day, as I read my old Facebook memories and see the pictures, that weight crushes me again. I let myself wallow in it today, Stupid August 30th.

As the day goes on, that feeling will lighten a little again. I will find a way to honor Ed today, like I do with Mom and her cheeseburgers. Dad didn’t really have those little quirky things like Mary Jane did. But he did like to go out for a treat, usually ice cream. So Baskin and Robbins may be in my future tonight. It’s that or drink some scotch, which may not be the best way to go.

He was a great guy. He had a sense of humor and a great laugh that went with it. He had a mischievous way about him, from the time he was a little kid all the way up to when he passed. He loved to golf, although I don’t know how good he was, he sure gave it a good go a lot of times! He worked hard to support his family, I still meet people that were clients or colleagues and they speak so highly of him my heart soars with pride. Ed was my absolute hero, if you didn’t notice.

I will get through this rotten day. These anniversaries are just something I have learned to do each year as I don’t have much choice in it. But I try to take the opportunity each year to make this plea: Take pictures and be in pictures with the people you love. I hardly have any pictures with Dad, or my mom or stepmom either. And it hurts on days like today when I want to see that smile. So do not worry about how you look, what you’re wearing. Get in that picture. Your loved ones just want that memory, they love you how you are. I have missed 29 years of opportunities with Ed, and I would hate for any of you to ever feel that.

I am not so old and set in my ways that I can’t adapt to change, am I? I am an agreeable and fairly easygoing person. I don’t have a heavy social agenda too often. I have for the past few years had Thursdays off. I kind of like that because it gives me a quick little rest before getting into a weekend of work. Yeah, that changed this week.

One of my co-workers, in an effort to educate and better herself (whatever!) is taking a class at the local technical college. She came to me a few weeks back and asked if I would be willing to switch my day off. I said sure, no problem, it’s for a few months for the semester. So the time of summer flies by, we all know that, and all of a sudden she starts class this week. So I have off today. It’s a beautiful day, I will find some way to fill it, with Miss Zelda or something. But I am just a little out of sorts. It won’t be enough to screw me up too badly, but what really concerns me is when I get to Thursday. That is gonna screw me up!! I bet it takes me four weeks to adapt to the change. Old lady, set in her ways, God forbid we move her day off!!

Nobody is off on Tuesdays. Nobody I know of. And I would go recreate the Boozeday Tuesdays of my late 20’s and early 30’s but I have a cardio workout this evening, and I can’t see showing up at that half jagged working too well. What happened to me? As much as I love day drinking, I may have to find a more constructive way to fill my day.

For today, I will just probably wander around mumbling to myself and Zelda. That’s just embracing my future down the road anyway. By the time I get adjusted to this Tuesday nonsense I will be able to go back to Thursdays off and really be messed up. I think this may be good for me, make me think about the days of the week a little more objectively, whatever that means. This is the curse of the service industry. We have days off that nobody else does, and it is weird. But I love it, it’s the only way I know. I had this past weekend off for several things I had going on, and I was exhausted from all of it. I don’t know how regular people do that all the time.

Enjoy your Tuesday my lovelies. I will be over here, adapting. Change is good, right?

Now that I started this, I spend a lot of time thinking about what to write. The best ideas come when I am nowhere near a place to jot it down or save it. Like a grocery list, I would likely misplace it anyway.

So I got to thinking about what is the best gift I have ever received. And it gets hard to think back over nearly 50 years and what were big gifts or small things. In a family of 6 kids, we didn’t get a lot of presents, and it is hard to remember if quality overtook quantity. But as I look back, I want to say the best gift I ever got was the gift of music.

I don’t know the occasion, but when I was probably around 10, maybe 11, Dad bought my sister Marge and I radios that were a stuffed animal (a dog) from Radio Shack. We each got one, which was smart, I probably would have started a Battle Royale if I had to share mine with my stinky little sister.

At that time in our lives, the parents were not really living together anymore. My older brothers probably had a little better grasp of the situation at the time, but after years of ups and downs of Mom’s mental illness battles, Dad was moving on with his new love, our stepmom Dar, and the divorce was imminent if it hadn’t already happened. I missed Dad being around a lot, and the age differences between us kids left me feeling a little lonely. The 3 brothers were just old enough that I was a pain in the ass, and I basically felt the same about my younger sister and brother. So as it turned out, that little dog radio was something I could literally embrace and it was all mine.

We grew up with music around us all the time, really. Mom had been with the Sweet Adelines barbershop quartet whenever she was healthy enough, and she loved music. Lots of albums from soundtracks, The Mamas and Papas and other good ones from that era. My older brothers had a record player upstairs, mostly off limits to me. And for God’s sake, don’t touch their albums!! So for the first time, I had my own music. That radio was mine!

I would listen to Casey Kasem Top 40 countdowns, stay up late listening to WKAU (that’s going way back!) and it was all mine. Marge would listen to hers too, but I felt like I had found my own little world. I don’t know how long those radios lasted, it was typical Radio Shack quality, so probably not long. It wasn’t long before I moved on to an actual Panasonic radio that was AM/FM and very technologically advanced compared to the Dog Radio. But I loved that Dog Radio, and the memory of that, and what it meant to me really gives me all the feels all these years later.

Gifts are nice to give, and to receive. The thought behind choosing them can be even better than the actual present. I probably have received more expensive or thoughtful gifts. My dad was an impulse purchase kind of guy, and he likely saw those and said to himself, they’re not that expensive, I will grab one for each of the girls. He didn’t know how much it would mean all these years later. I know I didn’t know until I really started thinking about it. But that little gift of my own music is amazing, and there are some songs I hear that still take me back to that little dog, snuggling with it in bed and dreaming of better days.

So, what is the “best” gift you ever got? I hope this finds you thinking of the giver, as well as the gift. Both are incredibly important, and one never comes without the other.

My years of working in the restaurant world has cultivated a great knowledge of the D-Bag. I can go on for hours about how to spot one, the clues, their habits and mannerisms. If I thought I could make money doing it I would be teaching a seminar on it now. And sometimes people surprise you, they come across douchey (not sure that is a word, but for our purposes today, it is.) but then they say or do something cool and boom- douchiness disappears. Those are good days, to be sure.

Something that will put you on the Eternal Douchebag List is actually something criminal: The Old Dine and Dash. And there seems to be a little more of this going on lately. I can think of at least five times at my work in the past 10 months or so. It happened last night, on our patio. It was a busy night, and the patio was full and these D-bags had a bill that was almost $75. They had drinks, an appetizer and entrees. They up and left, and people saw it happen, but because they did it in shifts, sort of, nobody thought much of it. The girl left first, saying she was grabbing her phone out of the car. Then the 2 guys with her followed a minute or two later. Douchbags. Plain and simple. Thankfully, we have cameras, so we can go back and look, and hopefully we got them driving out of the parking lot. But a lot of the time it’s just a loss. You don’t usually catch up with the D-Bag Patrol.

I had 2 younger ladies try it with me once. They up and left, but I ran out and got their license plate # and we called the Police. They had them pulled over within a mile of the restaurant. They asked how we wanted to handle it, and my MOD said if they returned before we closed, and paid we would let it go, if not, cuff ’em and stuff ’em!!! They came in a few minutes later, heads hanging low. That’s right girls!! You don’t pull that crap on me!! Did they learn a lesson? I do not know, but they sure looked humiliated and shamed that night.

Back to the crime. This is no different than shoplifting. You can be prosecuted for this. We had a few young people do it last year, and we had good images of them on camera, so the boss posted it to Facebook. It was total Restaurant CSI! We got calls pretty quick, and one lady was the grandma of the one young lady in the video. She offered to pay for what her granddaughter owed as long as we took the video down. I am not sure how it all worked out in the end, but I am sure that girl does not do that anymore, Grandma was pissed!!!

So, at the end of the day, don’t be a D-bag. You may have crossed into criminal behavior that will get you in deep trouble with your Grandma. I don’t know how your grandma is, but I imagine her wrath is not worth stiffing a restaurant on a burrito. Besides, most places have security cameras, and you will be publicly shamed on social media. By the way, my boss is a good guy, and the server is not on the hook for the bill, but she felt mad, bad and other emotions that make for a really bad night. The swear words we used are not suitable for ears outside a restaurant kitchen, and we swear in Spanish and English at my job!!

A big shout out to the awesome people that come in on my Monday nights to keep me from becoming homicidal when things go like they did last night!! Jaime, Audrey and Jim, Brian and Lori and Layton, and Carlos and Peggy on the patio. They were ready to ID these thugs in a lineup, identifying cars, and probably collecting DNA samples off the margarita glasses!! Regular customers keep a business humming along, and keep the employees closer to sane than anything else possibly ever could!!! Definitely NOT D-bags!!! Cheers Friends!!!

I have been a bartender for almost exactly 29 years. I got my first bar gig about a week before my Dad passed away, so it’s easy for me to remember. Tack on about 7 years of random restaurant and Dairy Queen work and I have been in this business 36 years, give or take. I know the ups and downs and I know them well. And mostly I love it. Mostly.

Saturdays in the summer are sort of slow, if the weather is even borderline nice. People go to farmer’s markets, family picnics, out on boats, whatever. I know that, and I am reasonable in my jealousy while knowing I gots to pay the bills. So I suck it up and work most of them. I worked today, just got done a little bit ago, and that’s what has me riled up.

It was slow, I mean super slow. That’s ok, those kind of days can be a little fun if you have the right people. I had the wrong people. Very wrong. Other than my super regulars, who are indeed super, I had the most awful tippers ever today!!! It was like a plot against me or something. The thing is, most of them were quite pleasant to take care of, no special or weird orders. Then it came time to pay, and it was verbal tips and minimal cash. $37 tab, $2 tip. $39 with $5 tip, $37 with $4 tip. It went on like that. It was like a punch in the gut!! I don’t know how it happens like that, and the days like that are rare. Really rare, I promise you. It became like a goal then to see how little I could make for the shift!!

It’s back to school time, I get that the budgets for families get a little stretched this time of year. And it’s fun to treat yourself to lunch out on a Saturday before you drop a fortune on pencils and folders. But leaving your server $1.98 in change on your $18 tab that you paid for with gift cards you got cheap at Costco IS NOT COOL!!!! (They split a burrito, which is fine, but they also shared a beer!) Who does that?

Ok, time to spin it to a positive spot, if I can. I have a job I love,and I am able to support myself. I have regular guests who have become friends, and they are generous to a fault with me. And they are willing to laugh through a crap shift like today with me. I could have it so much worse than I do. But let me tell you, if I ever was in a relationship with someone, I would share a meal, but sharing a beer is a deal breaker and it would be OVER!!!! I would take their $1.98 in change tip and plug it somewhere the sun don’t shine!!!

Rant over… thank you ladies and gentlemen and please, TIP YOUR SERVER!!!

A year and a half ago, I started up again at a gym. This happens fairly regularly, and I have failed at it fairly regularly. I just don’t do so well with the self-motivating stuff. I want to improve my health and appearance, but the getting there is tough.

The last time I had done this, I joined up with my friend Amy, who is an awesome person by the way, and we hit it pretty good for a while. Then I had a small medical thing, kidney stone, that I let derail me. She kept at it, the idea of not using a gym membership she is paying for does things to her that I apparently have no problem with. So she was improving herself and I did a big enough backslide. I can blame the boulder that resided in my kidney for a while, and then I just didn’t really feel like I fit at that particular gym, etc. Lots of excuses, reasons, blah blah blah.

A woman that had gone to that same gym had changed to a newer and different place. She comes to the restaurant I work at, so seeing some changes in her I asked, and she told me about this place, called FIRE Fitness, and how it was tough, but she really liked it. I sat on that for a few months, stewing in my most recent weight gain and lack of progress in anything. It was January 2018, and I took a chance at actually walking into the place, instead of stalking it from my car, which I had done for about 2 weeks up to that point. Best idea I ever had. Truly. I met a guy, Chris, who seemed like a gym rat type, hanging out between reps. But he was great, and as it turns out, a pretty involved guy at FIRE. He talked to me a little, and listened to me a lot. Talking to him gave me the courage to sign up for a camp the next morning. I do not remember that particular workout that day, but I do remember driving in a sleet storm at 6:30 am to do it. This place was different. I could see that immediately even as I prayed for Death to come take me. The rest is active history.

I still go- almost every day. The people, the coaches, the exercise, is all very challenging. They believe in all of us in a way that if you tried to tell me about it I wouldn’t believe you. The support when I get there each day is palpable. You feel it from every member and the staff. I can go on and on, but it is something you kind of have to experience. And part of why I can keep doing this is not just the support, but the plan. I show up, they have the workout up there on a board, all planned out by some Evil Genius in Plover. They warm us up, show us how to do it, and supervise and encourage us the whole way through. Anyone that knows me can tell you I need that constant supervision. And it is a half hour. That is it. Hit it and quit it. Perfect for my short attention span.

So I will put numbers on it all. I walked in there at about 240 pounds. Miserable, really. I am currently hovering around 185 pounds, summer beer drinking has impeded me a little at the moment, but I keep cranking it out. I feel so much better than I have in 30 years, but even more so because of the confidence I seem to have uncovered. If it was just the numbers it would be impressive as hell, but it is more things than just that. And my doctor is amazed by what I have been able to do, blood pressure and BMI and numbers I don’t truly understand, but if she is happy, then I am happy!!

So, it boils down to this: You can change. If there is something you want, a place you long to be, you can get there. I think the biggest difference for me this time was the support. So if you want to do it, get someone on your side. I don’t know if it is weight loss, a new career, a new relationship, or any little thing. If you have a support crew, you can get there, wherever “there” may be. I believe in myself more than I ever dreamed possible. I have some stuff to work on, sure. We all do, it keeps us going. I am just happy I found what I did, so I can learn more about me, and like that girl looking back in the mirror for the first time in many years.

August is a tough month in my family. I do not know how one month can gang up on a particular group of people, but it does, and I hold a big grudge about it. Mostly it started back in 1990, when at the end of August my dad, Ed, died unexpectedly. That’s a big black mark. Then it just rolled from there.

August 14th, 2000 was the day we lost my mom, Mary Jane. Mom was a great lady who had been through far more in her life than was even close to fair. The main thing was her struggles with mental illness. I am not one to skirt around how much that affected her, and therefore us as kids. It led to years of her physical health declining, she was a smoker for many years. So in 2000, mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It isn’t fair to say that cancer is what took mom, but it was because of the diagnosis. She ended up having a mastectomy that unfortunately she was not healthy enough to endure. She passed away from complications after that surgery. We went through a lot with this, she wasn’t herself after the surgery, and we had to fight to keep her hospitalized. They wanted to send her to a nursing home to rehabilitate, but we knew she wasn’t ready and got into it with hospital administrators to keep her there. She died there.

So, in her memory, every year on her birthday (May 31st) and the anniversary of her death, I go out to a local restaurant and have one of her favorite meals: Cheeseburger, no lettuce, with fries and a Coke. The no lettuce thing is a big deal- Mom had a way of telling servers more than they need to know, and she would always say she couldn’t have the lettuce because of her teeth. When I get people at the restaurant that give me their dietary issues as a part of their order, I always know Mary Jane is close by.

Back to August sucking. It was 5 years ago, while I was out having my Mary Jane tribute Cheeseburger, no lettuce, of course. I got a call from my sister, she had just heard that our step brother Tommy, had apparently had a heart attack in his sleep, killing him. Tommy had lived a rough life. He was diabetic, and had substance abuse issues. So now this sad anniversary has a ride-along. I don’t really know what Tommy’s favorite meal would have been, but he gets partial credit while I celebrate Mom, because who doesn’t like Cheeseburgers, no lettuce?

At some point, August will have something good to give us. It has to, that is just the way it is. This year is not that year, right away at the beginning of the month we got the news that our niece, Connie, had died of a heart attack. She was only 42. She too had a tough life and it wore her down physically as well as mentally. Her passing is sad, but her soul can know some peace now, probably for the first time. Some of our family will have a small amount of time to say goodbye to her today. She wanted no funeral, and the family is abiding by her wishes. So if you are the praying type, say one for her, and tuck one in for my family. It’s been 2 weeks since she passed, but there has been a little turmoil getting her this far, and now she gets a little piece of August 14th too.

I want to bring this back around to a happier tone, and at the heart of it is love. Lots of love exists in my world. To lose people and hurt means you loved them very much. And that love doesn’t go away just because you lost that person. I carry these 3 beautiful people with me, they are a part of who I am along with all of the people I still have. August cannot take that from me. I won’t let it. So this evening, I will head out for that delicious Cheeseburger, no lettuce, fries and Coke. (Pepsi is ok, if it has to be that way.) I get a lot of joy out of that meal each year, it calls back to better times with good people. Loss is a part of life, but thankfully, so are cheeseburgers.

It’s kind of tough to decide which of the many things swirling around my brain I should share here. Now that I gave myself a forum, it’s just overwhelming! Start at the beginning? Sure…

I am a middle aged woman, tough to admit, harder to deny. I will be 50 in a few months. I live in the town where I was born, a pretty nice little place. I live with my crazy dog, Zelda. She runs the show, lets me feed her and spoil her. As it should be. I am sure anyone who cares to follow along here will grow to know and love the Z-dog, I promise she is a better reason to read than I could otherwise provide.

I work in a Mexican restaurant, for 9+ years. The staff is like family to me, as are many of my regular customers. I have always worked in the service industry, since I was 14. It is a part of me and most days I couldn’t dream of doing anything else. A love/hate thing like many people have for their jobs, but at least I leave with cash every day.

I am a single woman, I can’t tell if I have bad luck in love or good luck in general. I see and hear a lot from people in relationships, it’s a tough thing no matter how much you love someone. I am not down on love, I remain forever optimistic the chance for it will come along. I am hanging in there, over here. I know a lot of happy people, so I know it can happen.

So as I get closer to the 50 I hope to share some of how I got here. The losses I have experienced, the people I have met, and some of the fun stories my life and my job have given me.  I have also recently started to change my outlook on my physical health, which has been very much a reason to start this too. Weight loss, building strength both physically and mentally have been a revelation for me. I never thought I could change. I want to give others a reason to believe they can too.

I don’t know what to expect as this unfolds, it’s a growth pattern I hope to continue and bring you with me. Plus I will add pictures of my dog. 😉

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.